There and back again: A Ryder brothers' tale

Yeah, I used it again, Scott. Kill me.

Well, we made it. Barely. 3 solid days of driving, 2 super cheap hotels and 1 narrowly dodged bullet of a snowstorm later, we're back safe and sound in the grand state of Illinois. I could give you a blow by blow account of the whole trip, but honestly, most of it was just...well, driving. Not that cool. But there were some scattered moments of hilarity, which I now present to you in the amazing quote list for what was dubbed the...

Return of the "R" Tour 2004

(Doing the crossword in People)
Tim: Patrick or Rod...
Josh: Swayze!
Tim: Wow.

(Still doing the crossword)
T: 3 letters - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was one. Abbreviation.
J: Black.
T: And how would you like me to abbreviate that?
J: B-L-K.
T: Wow.

(A gas station in Massachusetts)
Woman: (noticing our Illinois license plate) You boys sure are a long way from home!
T: Yeah, and we're headed back there.
J: Don't worry, we've got everything UNDER CONTROL!!

Okay, this isn't that funny on paper, but it was simply the strangest response possible on Josh's part. He said it like he was trying to convince himself that everything was under control. I'm sure the nice lady assumed everything was fine. Josh just apparently thought she needed extra convincing. Let's move on.

J: Have we gone through New Jersey yet?
T: We go through New Jersey?
J: Yeah, just barely.
T: See, that's why I don't look at the route beforehand. I like to be surprised.
(We never went through New Jersey.)

J: (finishes pumping gas) Warm up the car, T. (goes into the gas station)
T: Okay. (also enters the gas station)
J: What are you doing?
T: When I said okay, what I really meant was that I was coming in here to buy some juice.

J: That's a nice house. I'd like to climb the outside.
T: Doesn't look like it would be very...workout-y.
J: Excuse me?
T: Probably wouldn't give you a good workout.
J: No, what you said the first time.
T: Uh...workout-y.

J: You can't take compass readings inside the car because all the magnets in the speakers screw everything up.
T: There are magnets in speakers?
J: Yeah.
T: ...I don't know how anything works.

(Late in the drive of Day 2)
T: (quite loopy at this point) Just hold me. Tell me everything will be okay.
J: That's it, we're stopping.

(Morning of Day 3, J is at the window of the Super 8.)
J: Wow.
T: (groggily) What?
J: I'll just let you see for yourself.
T: (goes to window) Holy geez. We've been blizzard-ed.

J: Pack up, we're going to make a break for it.
T: Don't kid yourself, we're not going anywhere. We're going to die here. We're going to DIE HERE, JOSH!!

T: How much snow do you think was on the ground this morning?
J: 6 inches, maybe.
T: Yeah...I'm going to say a foot and a half. It sounds better.
J: That's 16 inches!
T: 18, actually.
J: ...right.

Parts of Indiana and Ohio got over a foot of snow that day. Turns out waking up to 6 inches and an unplowed Super 8 parking lot wasn't so bad. As we drove west, we got away from the snow and narrowly dodged a bullet that could have DESTROYED Christmas. So we're back in J-ville with the family. Hope you're with yours, enjoying the holiday. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Look out, Eastern Seaboard!

That's a funny term, isn't it? Seaboard? Why is that stretch of our country referred to as a "seaboard"? Honestly, what's the deal with the seaboard? And...we're done.

Anyway, I'm headed out to the Eastern Seaboard today. I've got a one-way ticket to Boston, which sounds a lot cooler than it is. I'm not headed there to look for my fortune or strike gold or anything. Just picking up my bro and driving back. That's right, we're driving from Boston to Springfield, Illinois. The ultimate road trip. Only with none of the usual road trip trappings like hot girls or warm weather. Or really any stops of any kind. I'm going to see if I can totally avoid touching the ground between there and here. Or at least avoid treading on the soil of any red states.

So hope for the best as Josh and I embark on what I have tenatively named The "We'll Be Home for Christmas Tour 2004." I've made mix CDs, so we should be okay. Those are much more important than maps, right?

Mini what now?

I meet a lot of interesting people at my internship. Young, creative, professional people for the most part. But so far my favorite person is one that I haven't even met. Every so often we get a new phone list at the office to represent anyone who might have been added or removed. A while ago, one of those lists contained what I believe to be the greatest name ever:

Mini Shanmuganandan.

Go on, try to say it. It's fun. I always end up adding about eight extra syllables on the end. I never really stop, I just trail off into a neverending string of Muganandan-an-dana-dan-dan-dans...

And the fact that her first name is Mini only compounds the hilarity. The idea that somewhere there might exist a larger, full-size Shanmuganandan is simply breathtaking.

Unfortunately, after about two weeks of laughing at her name on the phone list, we got a new one with her name absent. I have no idea what she did here or why she left, but things just aren't the same without her around. Or at least without her name on the phone list. I'm actually pretty glad I never met Mini, because there's no way I would be able to talk to her without cracking up. I guess I'll never know...

In other news, if you haven't seen this week's Strong Bad e-mail, you owe it to yourselves. Maybe it won't be as funny to someone who doesn't work at a college radio station, but it's funny how the world (or at least Strong Bad) perceives the genre. You know who loves college radio?

Mini Shanmuganandan-dan-a-dan-danan-dan-adan...

I was right. I didn't care.

Hey, thanks for all the great album recommendations, everybody. I think my list agrees with a few of your choices, but for the most part I told you and your musical opinions to take a hike. Seriously, you and your opinions could use the fresh air. So, without further adieu, here's my list:

1) Straylight Run - s/t
2) Various Artists - Garden State Soundtrack
3) Jimmy Eat World - Futures
4) The Killers - Hot Fuss
5) The Western Front - Go to Your Desire; Don't Hang Around Here.

I'm assuming that most of you haven't heard of the last band, seeing as they're a local Iowa band and I only know them because they played in our Battle of the Bands. You should check out their purevolume site. Anyone with a song that shares its title with a quote from "It's a Wonderful Life" is okay by me.

Okay, let the Tim-bashing begin.

I'll listen to your opinions, but I probably won't care

As the music director of a college radio station that no one listens to, mainly because it doesn't even have a frequency, I often think myself more important than I actually am. But it appears someone agrees with me.

I got an e-mail this past week from Kyle Munson, music critic/columnist for The Des Moines Register. Actually, KDCS Bulldog Radio got the e-mail, but anything music is my domain, foo. So back off. In it, he said that he was preparing for his year-end wrap up and was looking to hear from various other people with "deeply held convictions about music." He then asked for my top 5 albums of 2004.

Several hours later, I awoke in a daze. The sheer power and perceived influence I felt at that one moment had apparently overwhelmed my nervous system and I failed to maintain biological homostasis. In other words, I fainted like a little girl. But now I was beside myself with joy and also, trepidation. This is quite a bit of pressure. My musical opinions published for the world (well, Greater Des Moines area) to see, my very self laid bare for ridicule and scorn. What do I do? Do I go with my gut and talk about my favorite albums? Do I pick five random indie albums from our collection in a desperate grab for street cred?

This incredible dilemma has not yet been resolved. I think my list is almost solid and settled, but I need to hear from my favorite Internet people before I make up my mind. So hit me - what have your favorite albums been this year? And apparently, live and reissued albums count, if that's your sort of thing. And remember, my life depends on this.

Okay, not really. But the fact that I've thought more about this than any of my projects due this week probably says something about my priorities.

More lessons learned

It's been requested that I sum up my Thanksgiving break in much the same manner as my epic Labor Day posting. Well, I can't promise the moon, but let it never be said that Timmy Tapeworm is a man who does not honor requests. (Except for that one request you made over break, Scotty. I know it was the day after Thanksgiving and you were still tanked, but that was just uncalled for. Honestly, I don't care how much time the doctors say you have left, I'm not doing that.)

So here we go...the lessons I learned this Thanksgiving break:

- All it takes are some terribly snowy roads for me to turn into a Hollywood stunt driver. I did a 540. On the highway. A 540. With nary a scratch on me or the Stallion. The old girl held up quite nicely. Except for that whole 540 thing. That probably never should have happened.

- I love my brother more than his girlfriend does. I know this because when he was leaving his plane and called our respective cell phones, his girlfriend didn't answer her phone. I did. Who loves you more, baby?

- My mom is the most hilarious mom ever. Her sign to greet Josh at the airport: "Snow glad you made it." Hilarious.

- Sleep is awesome. I really should do it more.

- Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic is awesome. It gets in the way of that sleep thing. (Yeah, I know I'm a year behind in my gaming. Cut me some slack.)

- Thanksgiving at the Ryder family farm with no electricity probably would have worked, but not very well. Josh and I could have made a spit and roasted the turkey rotisserie style. There just would have been less true enjoyment of the food and much more...salmonella poisoning. But this year proved we can have Thanksgiving anywhere, just so long as there's family, fun, and that pretzel strawberry stuff.

- Strangely, one of my favorite Thanksgiving dishes is the nachos and cheese available pre-meal. That...really makes no sense.

- If, during the two hours you spend in a social setting, the only words that escape your mouth the entire time all involve alcohol, you might have a problem. (This is not directed at my family. We don't have anyone like that, now that Dad's out of the legislature. Hey-oh! Just joking, Dad. This is directed at an old high school acquaintance. Who apparently really enjoys drinking now.)

- My nipple hair is amazingly long. I didn't really learn that over break, but I just noticed it and thought I'd share.

- The Battle of the Sexes grudge match proved once and for all...that guys are smarter than girls. The girls may complain about the overabundance of fishing questions, but come on. I knew the author of She's Come Undone in less than a second. (Wally Lamb. Mom watches Oprah, okay? I absorbed it through osmosis.) So don't complain to me about your hard "guy" questions.

- Finding a Christmas tree with the family is just as hilarious as ever, and having my brother's girlfriend along gives me someone else to push around. You're lucky the ground was soggy, bro. You and your girly would have gone down.

Alright, that's enough of that nonsense. To the friends and family I saw over break, it was great to see you. To those of you I didn't, what's your excuse? "Oh, I live in Florida." Lame excuse, Gramma. Lame excuse.

(I just called my Gramma out. How funny is that?) Anyway, thanks for the great break, everybody. What do you say we have another one? Say...in a couple weeks. Only much longer this time. I've got some serious Star Wars to play.

Don't fail this, fool.

I've developed a two-tiered test for determining how smart people are.

1) If someone knows "media" is plural, they're smart. ex. "The media are biased, but toward sensationalism, not any political mindset."

2) If someone knows "data" is plural, they're really smart. ex. "The data show this to be true. So shut up about the liberal media. You don't even know it's plural, moron."

Maybe soon I'll sum up the break, if only to satisfy the requests. But right now, I'm just too darn proud of my test.

Let us give spanks...er...thanks.

Have a great Thanksgiving, everybody! Stop reading blogs and go talk to your family. They told me they miss you.

Let's give me my due. Honestly.

I'm really digging the widescreen. Do you like the widescreen? I like the widescreen.

I feel like it really didn't get enough attention in the last post. It was mentioned briefly, but then cast aside for a ginormous listing of silly people's online journals (which are now listed, as promised, on the sidebar.) And I felt bad because that was kind of giving it short shrift. So here's some more shrift, widescreen.

I wish I would have done some big announcement, like when Strong Bad did a flashback in widescreen. "Left side, brrrow. Right side, brrrow." But anyway, that's in the past. And I'm glad that my blog is no longer a direct representation of my physical self. Because there should only be so many tall and skinny things in this world.

(Seriously, I had to edit html and everything. I don't know how to do that! No idea! Did it stop me? No. It did not. And I have already sold the film rights to Lifetime.)

The exciting conclusion

Check it out! Tim's blog...now in widescreen! Geez, it's like I know html or something.

My goodness, people. If I had known that not posting for a week would cause such drama among, well, all two of you...I probably would do it more. Because it's pretty funny. But really, I've been dealing with 12 bands that are coming to play at Drake this Thursday and Saturday for KDCS Presents: Battle of the Bands 2: Electric Boogaloo. (Okay, I added the Electric Boogaloo thing myself, but how cool would that be?)

I've determined that the quality of a band is inversely proportional to their cooperation, meaning the best bands are the hardest to work with. And these bands are really good. So that's what I've been doing - dealing with fragile little uncommunicative bands. In my own little way, I like to think I'm stabbing a fork in Clear Channel's foot. It doesn't really change much because Clear Channel is a giant and I'm just a guy who makes shoes, but hey, it worked for Mickey. Man, I'm rusty...

Maybe the fork should be too...

At any rate, it's time for the conclusion of Tim's famous series of his friends' blogs. Because believe it or not, there is a huge public outcry to know my daily websurfing routine. Now that I've discussed the most important two, the rest can be covered with but a cursory description. So buckle your seatbelts, kids. Here we go, in the order they appear in the "Blogs" section of My Favorites...

faiiinster's blog
This is Michelle, aka Hot Sauce, aka Wasabi. We're friends from back in my Fred J. Miller days. She was a flag girl, I was a drum major. It was a match made in band camp. That makes it sound like we hooked up, but that's not true. She's much too smart for that. She posts almost daily, and her posts are full of Internet slang and tales of college debauchery. She keeps me young.

mattiekate's blog
My friend Mattie is much cooler than I will ever be. She goes to school in Nashville and rubs noses with rockstars. She doesn't post often, but occasionally goes nuts with a photo essay. Very enjoyable.

justcallmekorea's blog
Yes, Sheila is Korean. She is also way more emo than you can handle. Be forewarned.

streaks in the sky
Haley is a supercool girl. Her blog is really pretty and has its own special cursor. If she lived nearby, I'd totally ask her to play Nintendo with me. (She also loves Smallville, for those of you who consider that important.)

britann's blog
Proving once and for all that you can't be a former member of Attagirl and not have a blog, this is Brittany's blog. She's also an infrequent poster, but I love her just the same and I don't yell at her when she doesn't post.

The Menagerie
This is Thom's blog. Thom plays guitar for a rock band called The Elms. They're a great band and Thom is a consistently entertaining and thought-provoking blogger. His URL was published in CCM and I think that made him LOL. So look out for lost Michael W. Smith fans and Joshua Harris.

degreeofdaisy's blog
This one's brand new, so get in on the ground floor. Because what the world needs is another Schell on the internet.

Moby's blog
Yeah, that's right. THE Moby. You know, bald guy, former techno artist, archnemesis of Eminem. He has a blog. It's really fun. He's very opinionated and sometimes arrogant about it, but it's still enjoyable. He's been super depressed ever since the election and hasn't been posting much, but he should get back in the habit soon.

Bufford the Wonder Blog
I just posted about this guy. He's still hilarious.

Rob's Office Space
I also just posted about this guy. Scott and I are very jealous and bewildered by the fact that he just started and his blog is already much popular than both of ours. What a jerk. Wish I had a bogus job that would pay me to update daily.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost
My blog. You already know about this one, because you're here. But I'm trying to be comprehensive.

Jakey's blog
I don't know if you can see this one. He might still be private. If you can't, don't worry about it. He doesn't post much and when he does, it's fairly vitriolic. Just think of the angriest,most bitterly cynical thing that could be said about a certain topic and assume that's what he said.

nerve tonic's blog
One of my friends at Drake. We go way back to J-30, when we had huge crushes on each other but were too shy to say anything. She's a very cool girl and knows the trials of being tall in this world. Fairly emo, but she also has a picture of a Strong Bad pumpkin she carved for Halloween. That's a good balance, I'd say.

The Dangerous Life of a Frat Boy
My friend Paul goes to U of I. He's been averaging a post about every month. He makes me feel better when I don't post for a while.

For All the World to See!
This is Emeric's blog, one of my good friends at Drake. He has a funny name. Josh still calls him Generic. His blog normally alternates between extreme nerdiness, political pontification, thoughts on ancient battle tactics, and existentialism. It's fun.

It was Brittany's idea
The blog of the guy who draws the webcomic Ctrl+Alt+Del. I really don't care what's going on in his life, but I really like his comic and he puts his sketches online, which are pretty cool. Plus, I'm an obsessive stalker.


Well, there you have it. That's my daily blog routine. Hope your curiosity is satiated. Somewhat ironically, just before I finished this series, I learned how to make a links section. So look for that soon. For those of you whining about this series, fear not. The ribald tales of gallantry and general misadventurey will commence shortly. So keep your pants on.

Voted "Most Likely to Die for Comedy"

This just in: I suck at posting.

But anyway, let's continue with my blog series. Because there's nothing quite like telling you about something already well-known.

Bufford the Wonder Blog

The blog of one "Scotty 2 Hotty," whose real name is being withheld for his own safety, this place is always good for a laugh and a cry. (But the cry is only because you feel so ashamed at why you're laughing.) Scotty is the type of person that will go to great lengths, indeed, some would say any lengths, for a joke. I truly believe that sooner or later, one of Scotty's jokes is going to get him killed. I'm looking forward to this, not because I want him dead, but because it'll have to be a really good joke.

I remember one time when I went with Scotty and some friends to a movie. We had some time to kill before the movie started, so we went out to the parking lot and nabbed a really great parking space. Then we pretended like we were backing out until someone drove by and stopped, waiting for us to leave. Then we'd pull back into the spot. We did this several times. It was hilarious every time.

Scotty is a huge Everquest dork. He is obsessed with obscure Nickolodeon TV shows like "The Adventures of Pete & Pete." He likes MST3K, so he can't be all bad. He is also, from my understanding, one of the coolest people at his school, which tells you a lot about him and also a lot about his school. His sad, sad school.

He's a regular commenter on my blog, so I like him. He, Rob, and I form something like the Triumvirate or maybe the Unholy Trinity of bloggers. We're the people with nothing better in our lives than to blog and comment on others' blogs. And yet, we're still ridiculously awesome. Strange.

Tune in next time for another entry in my series, "Places You Already Visit."

"Political Emo: Sillier Than Regular Emo?"

In an effort to get away from the political heartbreak of the last week, I'm going to start a new series of blog entries. That's right, a series. Kind of like in church when the pastor has a series of sermons on one topic like "The Fruits of the Spirit" or "Stuff Jesus Said" or "Conservative Christianity: Legitimate Belief System or Mere Voting Bloc?" (My personal favorite: "Dudes Kissing: 1001 Reasons Why It's Gross and Really Scares Us")

My series will be nothing so noble. In fact, it may very well be the ultimate in meaningless information. I will be blogging about blogs. That's right, my friends. We have entered the age of meta-blogging. Each post I will feature one or two of the blogs I regularly visit and tell a little about the author and why they warranted one of my precious bookmarks. This is a very elaborate method of replacing the "links" section that cooler blog programs like Xanga have. Stupid Xanga. Strangely, this has actually been requested by at least one person, and it will give me something to talk about. Because when it comes to my friends, sarcastic jibes practically write themselves.

Rob's Office Space

The previous statement applies to no one more than Rob. It's appropriate that we start with him, as he was the very first person to reply to one of my posts and has been a dedicated reader ever since. Rob, like myself, is not skinny. He is wiry. He is also a huge geek. Every birthday since he was 8, he has wished that he would become animated. Many speculate this has, for all intents and purposes, already come true.

At one point, Rob adamantly denied the possibility of starting his own blog. This lasted all of two days before he realized he could waste company resources and time by doing it at work. Rob is a genius. He details the terrible, soulless reality of office life in a way that makes it almost easy to stomach. He has a disproportionately hot girlfriend. Much hotter than mine, who does not exist. He also has a dedicated crew of commenters, some of whom are certified nutjobs.

So check out Rob's blog. His current post is particularly awesome, mainly because it's very complimentary of me. I expect this to change very soon after he reads this. But regardless, come back for the next post in the series. Because, as bad as it could be, it's gotta be better than dudes kissing.

"Stuff Jesus Said"...heh. I'm hilarious.

Crap.

Well, where we going, kids? Because if we're leaving the country, we might as well start some sort of colony somewhere.

Here's what my good friend Moby (yes, the Moby) had to say about the whole thing. He's really opinionated and sometimes annoying about it, but I thought this was a good idea.

"can someone remind me why secession is not an option at this point?
i mean let's be realistic, we live in a divided country.
can't we have the breakaway republics of 'north-east-istan' and 'pacific-stan'? wouldn't the red states be happier without us?
we could still travel freely and trade freely with them, but can't we just leave?
then you could have 3 countries:
northeastistan
pacificstan
redstateistan"

Oh, that Moby...

The true Incredibles?

MSNBC - Rare disease makes girl unable to feel pain

As soon as this girl learns to control her powers, she WILL be a superhero.

I've transcended time, but not space...no, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Okay, this is kind of a lame post because there's not much to it, but I felt the need to add some fresh content. But the desire to put something fresh on the blog is countered by the desire to get some sleep. So the scales go back and forth for a while, then settle on this: A post, but a short one.

I really felt I had to bring this to your attention. I love the funny pages, and this strip made me laugh harder at a comic strip than I have in a long time. I hope you enjoy it too. Okay, sleep now.

(Sorry, the link has expired since I posted this. You'll just have to take my word for it. It was hilarious.)

(Also, the title of this post is a quote from I Heart Huckabees, which I saw this weekend. Killer cast and a quirky script made for a very funny movie. Check it out at your local indie movie theatre. Because I guarantee it's better than freaking Saw, I don't care if the dude from The Princess Bride is in it or not.)

"Wanna make a crappy, messed-up movie?"
"As you wish."

Artistic decision

The Scorpions are on tour right now. Here's an artistic dilemma for you, if you were indeed in the Scorpions. When you play a gig in Florida, do you play "Rock You Like a Hurricane?" On the one hand, it's your big (read: only) hit. On the other hand, it's pretty insensitive, don't you think? Honestly. Stupid insensitive Scorpions.

This is what I think about during class, I kid you not.

Well, that was embarrassing

Stupid Red Sox.

Un-retreating

So I'm back from the retreat. I've un-retreated. I don't know if that means what I want it to. I'm back from the retreat. So, whatever the French say when they get home from a war.

At any rate, I've got homework that I've been neglecting, so no good stories tonight. The stories may come. The stories may involve getting hit with balls of paint projected at high velocity.

Celebration station

Some quick props must be thrown out tonight.

Props to the St. Louis Cardinals for winning Game 7 and heading to the World Series. So awesome. Hey brother...it's on. The Cards are gonna make every Bostonian sad for another few decades. But you're a Cubs fan. You're used to disappointment.

Props for democracy. Today was the big push for voting on campus here at Drake. Some very nice election officials came out and had us all vote absentee so we wouldn't have to go somewhere else on Nov. 2. And let me tell you, I fulfilled the crap out of my civic duty.

Props to Jon Stewart for yelling at the stupid people who host Crossfire. If you haven't seen the video or read the transcript yet, I highly recommend it. It's hilarious and he makes some excellent points.

And props to you, loyal reader. Without the 5 of you that regularly view this, I don't know why I would bother. Anyway, I'm headed out of town for a couple days for a fall retreat with the high school youth group I volunteer with. Should be a good time, but that means no blogging. So don't get discouraged. I'm not going to bail for a week and a half like last time. I'm just going to play some paintball, talk about Jesus, and then I'll be back.

So keep your pants on, Paintball Jesus.

My forehead is burning from jubilation

Hey, how 'bout them Rod Sox, eh?

How 'bout them Cardinals, eh?

I've got playoff fever!!