There's the "crossword guy," the "neverending coffee guy," or, if you work in my office, the "bird lady." This is the lady who brought her pet bird into work one day and had it sit on her shoulder all day long.
The bird was wearing a diaper. The bird had many little outfits, including a Cubs jersey and a tuxedo with removable tails. The bird freaked out during lunch when the lady went to Chili's.
This lady no longer works in my office.
But anyway, I figure if you're going to be assigned an identity anyway, I might as well beat people to the punch and choose mine so I don't get something stupid.
That's why I decided to be "Giant Jug o' Water guy."
Check it out:
This is what you get when you order the "Family Meal Deal" at Six Flags Great America. They filled that sucker with Sprite and I drank the whole thing. I guess they just assume that everyone in the family wants the same thing and is okay with using the same straw.If you'll notice, there's a removable compartment on the bottom for additional ice storage. That's right, the Coke cups are partly obscuring the bottom portion of the jug. It's that big.
So now I keep that mofo at my desk. I fill it once in the morning (making sure to fill the removable compartment with ice) and I never have to refill it. I just drink it all day. I'm super-hydrated now, which I hear is healthy.
Plus, getting up to go to the bathroom 8 times a day really breaks the monotony.
edit: Be sure to check out "World Series of Pop Culture" on VH1 tonight. One Chicago team, Cheetarah, is made up of three female improvisors, two of whom play at ComedySportz. So cheer 'em on!
3 comments:
holy mother of god! how many ounces does that thing hold? and as for office names, i am "the singer." it could be worse right?
Eh, better than being the guy who pooped on the bathroom floor. Which I didn't. I guess I should explain a little.
H'ok. Here goes (warning: long).
It was the last week before Christmas, I was about to leave after working an eight hour shift, when all of a sudden I hear this annoying voice screeching out from the PA, "Attention all Beeeest Buy employeees, Holiday Huddle in the Media section, That's a Holiday Huddle in the center of media." "Sh*t," that was my first thought. "What's a holiday huddle," that was your first thought. I'm comming to that; a "holiday huddle" is just one of the delightful Best Buy pep rallies workers get to enjoy. All the poor sods that work there get in a circle and the lead soul-less automaton (store manager) asks how we think we did on sales for that day/week/whatever. And these people are actually excited to hear to hear about it! They care! Some are like "I don't think we made it" (and there is a real horror in their voices as they say this) and others "I think we did it" or "We smashed it!" AND THEY CARE TOO! I on the other hand couldn't have given less of a rat's ass; I just wanted to go home.
Anyway somehow I ended standing right next to the store manager during his speech, (and if you care we did make our goal) after the sales figures he moves on to other matters...funny matters, well at least to me.
After he finished his sales quotes he had an odd segue something like..."Look to your left. Look to your right. You should all thank the janitorial crew for being here today because one of those people probably would have cleaned up some poop. Because someone pooped on the men's room floor."
This, I found hilarious. I barely stifled a laugh. I'm thinking. Then he moved on an entirely diffrent subject, theft. "People have been stealing from the store and we know it's some one who works here." He says. A tense silence hung for a few seconds, then: "I've had employees taken out of the store in handcuffs, and we will find out who it is, so it's better to just talk to us and we can deal with it on our own."
Then he said something that left himself wide open to a tired employee's sarcasm, "Does anyone have anything they'd like to admit?" Another few seconds of silence...
I couldn't resist any longer, I had to say it, so I did. Raising my hand slowly, I said "I have something to admit" hung my head, then said loudly and clearly, "I pooped on the bathroom floor."
Silence. Dead silence. Nobody laughed. NO ONE. Those soul-less bastards sat and stared at me like I had showed up in a Confederate Flag shirt at Martin Luther King Jr's funeral.
The store manager turned and stared at me gaping. I quietly said "Umm... No I didn't." And shuffled away.
Two days later, I quit.
Anyway, three years later Rob works at Best Buy and meets a girl who was there in my time. When we were talking about our overlapping periods of employment she suddenly had a shock of recogonition and said "Oh, you're the poop guy!"
- Poop Guy
Never before have I received a comment that could rightfully be its own post. Until now.
Jess, I have no idea the capacity of the "Giant Jug o' Water." Safe to say, it is beyond comprehension. And "The Singer" is pretty great. Better than "Poop Guy" anyway.
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