3.14.2005

Chanting Cherry Coke

Okay, great. Glad to see the fake tribute album issue makes you as mad as it does me. No no, I don't want your pity comments. Save them for some otha sucka.

I was shopping for groceries this weekend at SuperTarget and was in the juice aisle looking for Gatorade, because that's the only thing that sustains me sometimes. I looked up at the huge hangy sign they use to tell you what's in each aisle. I've loved these signs in the past because they use code words for sensitive items. You know, like "Incontinence" for adult diapers and "College Drinks" for alcohol and "Feminine Hygiene" for those terrible items that exist just to gross me out.

Okay, so "College Drinks" was invented by Strong Bad, but I needed a second beat to make the rhythm of the joke work out.

But on this day, I saw a category I had never seen before. Right in the mix with "Sports Drinks" and "Juice Boxes" and "Pure Sugar Drinks for 5-year-olds" was (and I'm not making this up)

"New Age Drinks"

What the crap are New Age Drinks? Is it like "Meditation Dew"? Do you drink it and suddenly ethereal, tranquil music begins to play? If it was Orbital's "Halchyon & On & On," I'd buy the entire lot, but I highly doubt that's the case. (The Hackers soundtrack is still awesome, I don't care if they use Macs to hack.)

I looked in the aisle, expecting to see those huge cans of Sobe tea or something, but didn't really see much of anything, except for some weird drink called "Izze," which I just assumed was Snoop Dogg's new energy drink.

In other news, I may be going crazy. I'm talking to myself a lot more these days. When I got to the Gatorade, I literally had this conversation aloud. With myself:

"Geez, this is their Gatorade section? There's like one six-pack of Glacier Freeze! Oh, you know what it is? The girl's state basketball champeenship is in town. They probably took it all...my God, I'm so lonely."

Then I laughed in the New Age Drinks aisle for two minutes straight.

4 comments:

Scott said...

Ah, finally something I can relate to. And that something is talking to myself while I shop. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship about spending time alone, on the one hand nobody likes to be around people all the time. But on the other, sometimes situations for witty observations crop up and you crack wise to yourself.

What a waste. Nobody can be funny in a vacuum, I mean I amuse myself pretty well. But is that really being funny or just the beginnings of a split personality? The worst part is that even though I think I'm alone, inevitably someone hears me or sees my mouth moving and notes that I'm all alone. The worst was the woman that decided she needed to cross all the way to the other side of the mall walk way (divided by one of those balcony overlook things) to avoid the guy who makes conversation to no one.

A shame. But I did think of a good new age drink: "Citrus du Soleil". Or maybe "Blue Man Juice" hmm, that could have a popular gay following too. Just don't mistake it for a depressed men's energy drink.

Alright, I'm stopping this before it goes too far.

- Scott


P.S. Like the extra long comment to make up for my lack in comments of late? Yes, I thought you would.

Timmy Tapeworm said...

Exactly! It's just like a comment I would make to someone else, were they standing beside me. But...there's no one there. That's not crazy at all! Right?

Anonymous said...

Tim! I totally blew it! Usually I'm the first person one can count on to rage against the music industry, but I got behind on checking your blog and I missed it!

So here it is. Here's how it would have gone down if you had told me that at dinner or something:

*foaming at mouth*.....sum 41... arrrrgggghhhh.......MTV...aaaaauuuuggghh..... stupid... music.... industry....hate them all... american idol...... rrrauggghuguhg.....

yeah. so maybe that got a little out of hand. I'm going to get a bad rep for posting bitter word vomit on your blog all the time. Wouldn't want that.

So on a lighter note, if Target sold Kaballalade, I'd totally buy it... and drink it while I drove home listening to my Kelly Clarkson album.

Anonymous said...

^ CRAP!!! I forgot to sign it again!!!

-Keri