“Kickball”
Setting: Playground
Characters: Two young boys
Mother (offstage)
(The two boys are playing kickball. One boy [Boy #1] is pitching, the other [Boy #2] is kicking.)
Boy #2: Ghost runners on first and second!
(Boy #1 pitches the ball, the other kicks. You know, normal kickball stuff. The pitcher gets the ball and runs to what would be third base and steps on the bag. This is all obviously mimed on a very small field, as we are on stage.)
Boy #1: I just tagged out your ghost runner. That’s three outs! I’m up!
Boy #2: Wait, what?
Boy #1: You had ghost runners on first and second! So one had to run to third! But I stepped on the bag first! That’s a force out!
Boy #2: No, ghost runners automatically advance! You can’t get a force out on ghost runners!
Boy #1: Well, you can now. I’m up.
Boy #2: No, that’s not the way we play!
Boy #1: It’s the way we’re playing now.
Boy #2: But you can’t just change the rules if you don’t like them!
Boy #1: It’s my game, I’ll play it how I want.
Boy #2: But that’s no fair!
Boy #1: Deal with it.
Mom: (offstage) Tom DeLay, you come home right now!!
Boy #1: Coming, Mom!
(runs offstage)
(blackout)
“Norms”
Setting: Classroom
Characters: Sociology professor, middle-aged male
Frat boy
Football player (FP)
Socialite sorority girl (SG)
Studious girl (Nerd)
Slacker
(Five students are seated in desks, facing the teacher. Slacker is in the back, looking bored. Nerd is up front, sitting up straight, alert and attentive. FP barely fits in his desk and has a dumb expression on his face. SG and Frat are sitting next to each other.)
Prof: Thanks for your papers, everyone. I should have those back to you by next week.
Nerd: I can’t wait to hear what you think of mine, Prof. Kappler!
Prof: I expect to have nothing but good things to say as usual, Miss Riley. Now, let’s move on to our topic for today.
(He begins to write on the blackboard in large capital letters N-O-R-M. The football player follows his writing hand with expectation and mouths each letter as it is written.)
FP: (a la Cheers) NORM!!
Prof: Yes, Mr. McCreary. Most professors find it necessary to dedicate an entire class period of Sociology 101 to analyze one of the characters from Cheers.
(He writes a large capital S to complete his word.)
FP: Oh. Norms. (pause) NORM!!...s
Prof: Let’s try to keep the enthusiasm for the football field, shall we, Mr. McCreary? Today, we’re talking about social norms.
Frat: Oh, I know all about these, Professor. They tell you the normal amount you can drink in a social situation. I believe we seriously tested these norms last Friday at Kill-a-Keg.
SG: Oh my God, Brian. That was so great! That party was insane.
Frat: Yeah, it was. And you weren’t so bad yourself, babe.
Prof: Mr. Marshall, I believe that you’ve once again mistaken a sociological concept for alcohol tolerance. That’s the fourth time this semester. Quite amazing. No, you all remember our discussion on values, I presume.
Nerd: Beliefs that we have about what is right and wrong and what is important, both to us and to society as a whole.
Prof: Very good. Thank you, Miss Riley. Now, values are general behavioral guidelines because they tell us what we believe is right and wrong. However, they do not tell us how we should behave appropriately in any given social situation. This is the role played by social norms in society.
FP: The role of Norm in Cheers was played by George Wendt.
Prof: Get off the Cheers kick, Mr. Marshall. It doesn’t apply. Anyway, as Thio puts it,
FP: Theo from The Cosby Show?
Prof: Good Lord. No, Alex Thio, actually. He was never on NBC, so I can’t expect you to have heard of him, but he’s a professor of sociology. He said, “While norms are specific rules dictating how people should act in a particular situation, values are general ideas that support the norm.” Are we clear on this concept?
Nerd: Yes! Let’s talk about folkways and mores!
Prof: Thank you for actually doing the reading, Miss Riley, but calm down for a moment. I’d like to make sure everyone understands before we move on. This is a very important concept.
SG: I don’t really get it, sorry. Are these norms like, the same in other countries?
Prof: A very good question, Miss Blair. The answer is no. Let me see if I can make this relevant. Take the social norm of alcohol consumption.
Frat: YEAH!!
Prof: I thought that might excite you. Here in America, the legal drinking age is 21. We have the norm that only those people over the age of 21 are responsible enough to be trusted with alcohol. But in Saudi Arabia, the drinking of alcohol is completely banned.
(dumbfounded looks from Frat, SB, and FP.)
Frat: No alcohol? At all?
Prof: That’s right. Their social norm is based on religious values. Muslims are not allowed to consume alcohol.
SG: What do they do at parties?
Prof: I’m not really sure they’re a partying bunch.
Frat: Okay, that’s just weird. Now I’m totally lost.
Prof: Hmm…okay, I’d like to try something. I don’t usually do this as it has a tendency to get out of hand, but I think in this case, it may help. I’d like to try an experiment.
Nerd: Like in Psych? We did this great computer simulation on conditioning with a mouse named Skippy!
Prof: Not quite. This is actually a sociological experiment. For the rest of the class period, I’d like you all to act free of societal norms. Shake off the expectations of society and do as you wish.
Nerd: Do as we…wish?
Prof: Exactly. The commonly-held societal norms no longer apply in this class. You may say what you like and do what you like. But just because there are no norms doesn’t mean there are no consequences. I promise your grade will not suffer, but your actions may have other consequences, so beware. So…who will start us off?
(pause)
FB: This class sucks!
Prof: That’s the spirit, Mr. McCreary! Norms generally prohibit loud outbursts of discontent, especially with the subject of the discontent within hearing distance.
FB: Wait, what are we doing?
Prof: We’re…erasing societal norms for the class period.
FB: Yeah, I don’t get that. I just really wanted to yell that because I was frustrated.
Prof: Okay. Well, thank you for inadvertently getting us off on the right foot. Anyone else?
(pause)
(Slacker gets up from his spot at the back of the room and walks out.)
Prof: Yes! Thank you, Mr. Reynolds! Excellent example! Suddenly getting up and leaving a class is normally dictated as inappropriate by our social norms.
Frat: Hey, I want to leave too!
Prof: Sorry, Mr. Marshall. That card can only be played once. If any more leave, it wouldn’t leave us with much of an experiment, now would it? But good try.
FP: FOOTBALL RULES!! GO BULLDOGS!!
Prof: Good effort! Nice spirit!
(SG stands up and begins clucking like a chicken while turning in a circle.)
Prof: Yes, Miss Blair! Wonderfully absurd!
Frat: I’m taking my pants off!
Prof: Fantastic!
Nerd: Professor, I’m uncomfortable.
Prof: Well then maybe you should try taking the stick out of your ass.
(class gasps)
Prof: That’s right, norms apply to me too. And therefore, so does the lack thereof.
Nerd: I just don’t see how Brian taking his pants off is conducive to learning.
Prof: Well I don’t see how your constant attempts at sucking up are conducive to having any of us like you.
Frat: I know I feel a lot better!
Prof: Hell, if I thought it’d help you concentrate more, I’d tell you to take your pants off every day.
FP: (sudden outburst) I like show tunes and accessorizing and I think I might be gay!
Prof: Excellent! I didn’t expect this to turn into therapy, but I hope you’re feeling better about things.
FP: Actually, I am.
SG: I want to say something! I wish guys would stop staring at my chest!
Frat: Then maybe you should cover it with something, say…clothes.
SG: Hey! All my sisters tell me I look cute.
Frat: That’s only because they want to feel okay about wearing the same stuff.
Prof: The alcoholic has a point! Your entire house looks like whores!
SG! Professor! Inappropriate!
Prof: Exactly! You see?!
Nerd: Professor, I’m sorry, but I really don’t see how this is
Frat: (cuts her off) Shut up, nerd. This is cool. You know, every morning after I’ve been drinking, I wake up with a huge hangover and I swear off alcohol forever. But I never do. I’m not even sure I enjoy partying anymore, it’s just what I do.
SG: I equate sex with love in a never-ending attempt to improve my self-esteem!
FP: I still think I might be gay!
Prof: Yes! Wonderful, everyone! Now, this may be therapeutic now, but imagine if society was like this all the time. It’d be chaos! We need these social norms to keep ourselves civilized. Now, everyone’s taken part…except for you, Miss Riley. How about it?
Nerd: Oh, I really don’t think
Prof: (cuts her off) Come on, Miss Riley. What’s the problem? Too inhibited to take part? Aw…poor girl. ‘Me too shy to break a social norm.’
Nerd: (quietly) Stop it.
Prof: Make me. Or are you so used to being the teacher’s pet that you forgot how to stand up for yourself? What makes you so uptight, I wonder. A troubled childhood? A lonely adolescence? Or maybe it’s just years and years of sexual frustration, all bottled up and turned into
Nerd: (stands up, enraged) SHUT UP! You think you’re so clever, proving your point like this?! Well, congratulations! You’re the greatest professor ever! Are you happy now? Let’s see…what can I say that would make this experiment a success? Oh, how about this? I have no idea what I want to do, but I know I have to be the best! I’ve slept with two professors because I thought it would help my grade! I’ve gotten A’s for so long, I forgot why I wanted them in the first place! Sometimes I wish I could be like you (to SG), little miss pretty party girl! But I can’t! I guess I’m just too uptight, isn’t that right Professor? Thanks for letting everyone know – I feel so much better now. I hope you’re happy, you miserable, self-serving BASTARD!!
(pause)
Prof: (very calm) Very good.
(pause)
Class dismissed.
(blackout)
2 comments:
Timmy my boy, tis a shame that this post has no comments. Here I am wandering around the windy streets of Chi-town and I can find time to post a little nugget of my goodness, when all the other bloggites cannot. Que lastima.
Anyway, first sketch: hilarious. I loved the political reference, but I suppose this is satire, and as such I am now jaded and no longer impressed by it. I grudgingly say that there was good stuff there none the less.
The last one however, needs a little something. It works on it's own, but I think re-writing the last paragraph might be a good idea. It's a bit of a downer as it is. I'll think about it for awhile (when I'm not undercover as a student of a college I don't *technically* attend) and post my revision. This will likely take place late tonight. Until then, I'm off searching for Chicago Celebrities and riding the Amatrak...
- Scott
P.S. Hey Josh can you pick me up from the station again? Around 7:00... maybe? Hit my cell up if so, 217-638-0141
Hmmm... I don't know what to say about the norms one. I mean, its good but doesn't really kill like your others. I can appreciate the statement being made, but I'm not so sure it's not just a cry for help. Timmy? Are you doing ok? or should I say... Ms. Riley?
I realize you are running out of time for the sketches. So if I think of anything in the very near future, I'll let you know. I think there might be ways to tweak the norms sketch to maintain your message but not make it so "Hit you in the face with a sledgehammer." Unless that's what you wanted. I'll think about it, but its fine to turn in as is.
Good Work again Tim.
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