8.10.2006

Lock up your guns, unlock your bibles

Here's some fascinating reading for your Friday.

I've often heard of Bob Jones University, one of the most fundamentalist Christian colleges in the country. But it's mostly in a political context - when a politician goes to speak there, you can be sure they're trying to shore up their conservative base.

But an offhand comment on The Colbert Report the other week made me wonder - what is life really like for students at BJ University? I did a little digging and found pretty easily just how awesome campus life is. They're not shy about it. They put it right out there:

Student Expectations
Dress Code
Campus Life

Here are some of my favorite excerpts.

Students may work in town until 10:25 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. Freshmen must have a prayer captain, assistant prayer captain, or upperclassman with them.

In the event that the assistant prayer captain is unable to fulfill his or her duties...

(Wait, my mistake. Women can't be prayer captains. DUH!)

Sophomores and upperclassmen may work alone.

No man works alone, BJU. You should know this.

Students may not serve alcoholic beverages when waiting tables at restaurants.

Come to think of it, don't even look at alcohol. Don't even think about it. Erase the word "alcohol" from your vocabulary. We're trying to set an example here.

Hair must be cut in a traditional, conservative style–not shaved, spiked, tangled, or shelved.

Shelved? What the crap does that mean? Does that mean I couldn't do my hair like Kid from Kid 'n' Play? Is that shelved? Geez, BJU. If you have students trying to shelve their hair, you have more problems than nonconservative hairstyles. You have some sort of time paradox on your hands.

Necklines may come no lower than four fingers below the collarbone.

Unfortunately for BJU, I measure necklines using giant foam fingers.

Students are required to keep their rooms clean and neat. Rooms are inspected daily.

Also, your telescreen may be dimmed, but there is no way of shutting it off completely. (Second 1984 reference in one week, thank you very much.)

Music must be compatible with the University's music standards:
  • Contemporary Christian music is not permitted (e.g., Michael W. Smith, Stephen Curtis Chapman, WOW Worship, and so forth).
FINALLY, someone exposes that scheming Michael W. Smith for the Illuminati pawn that he is. And don't even get me started on WOW Worship. Everyone knows that entire operation is backed by the Jews.

Residence hall students may not watch videos above a G rating when visiting homes in town and may not attend movie theaters.

So, no Passion of the Christ then? No Left Behind: Tribulation Force? Geez, I don't even think Carman's Greatest Hits - The Videos got a G rating.

All weapons must be turned in for storage. Trigger locks are required for pistols.

Actually, for this demographic, that rule makes perfect sense.


So I think what I'm saying here is that I know of one guy who is seriously thinking about going back to school. Because the first time around was simply too much ...oh, what's the word...fun.

10 comments:

Kyle Lobner said...

This is great, and since it's somewhat political, I'm linking it from my blog.

KL

Anonymous said...

wow. i have to send this to ORU students. all of a sudden the rules we had were the heathenistic approach to christianity. who knew?

Anonymous said...

wow...

thank god i'm an atheist

Anonymous said...

At pensacola you can't even go out on a date without a chaperone.... wait, did I say date? I meant "Sunday buggy ride."

God I hate Christians sometimes.



keri

Nessa Happens said...

"Sunday Buggy Ride"

I had one of those once. a) it was on a Sunday. b) there were a lot of bugs. and c) you get the picture.

It ended in tears and recriminations, and massive, massive bug bites. I can't imagine a worse time. Had we had a chaperone, well - that would have been a little too frisky for my taste. and totally unnecessary.

Timmy welcome back to the internet. It has missed you.

Jake said...

It feels good to mock moral and spiritual guidelines, doesn't it, Tim? Now that you have a taste of it, I am going to sit back and watch your inevitable descent into the pit of cynical loathing of any and all organized religion or personal philosophy. Once this occurs, you can join my club -- you get your own embossed membership card and coupon book from local water pipe stores and pagan food co-ops.

Anonymous said...

well if M. Dub and Steven Curtis aren't allowed, why would Carman and Kirk Cameron be allowed? It makes sense.

Scott said...

If only there was someone banning me from listening to Contemporary Christian music. ...then I might be tempted to listen to it.


But probably not.

- Scott

Anonymous said...

This post is nothing more than leftist smear propaganda from yet another pinko PC liberal eThug.
Shame, shame.

Andy M

Timmy Tapeworm said...

KL - I guess I'm pretty honored.

J Fi - Yeah, I'd say you Oral Roberts heathens got off pretty easy.

Nicolai - are you Russian? I hope you are.

Keri - Do not underestimate the aphrodisiac qualities of the buggy ride.

Nessa - Thanks for missing me. I'm sorry your buggy ride didn't turn out the way you would have liked, but in retrospect I'm sure you prefer bug bites to crazy chipmunk bites.

Jakey - Oh you.

Mattie - Thank you for calling him M. Dub. Thank you so much.

Scotty - You heathen. Mrs. Groppel was right about you.

Andy - Oh you.

J - Well said, home schooler. I completely agree.