Lock up your guns, unlock your bibles

Here's some fascinating reading for your Friday.

I've often heard of Bob Jones University, one of the most fundamentalist Christian colleges in the country. But it's mostly in a political context - when a politician goes to speak there, you can be sure they're trying to shore up their conservative base.

But an offhand comment on The Colbert Report the other week made me wonder - what is life really like for students at BJ University? I did a little digging and found pretty easily just how awesome campus life is. They're not shy about it. They put it right out there:

Student Expectations
Dress Code
Campus Life

Here are some of my favorite excerpts.

Students may work in town until 10:25 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. Freshmen must have a prayer captain, assistant prayer captain, or upperclassman with them.

In the event that the assistant prayer captain is unable to fulfill his or her duties...

(Wait, my mistake. Women can't be prayer captains. DUH!)

Sophomores and upperclassmen may work alone.

No man works alone, BJU. You should know this.

Students may not serve alcoholic beverages when waiting tables at restaurants.

Come to think of it, don't even look at alcohol. Don't even think about it. Erase the word "alcohol" from your vocabulary. We're trying to set an example here.

Hair must be cut in a traditional, conservative style–not shaved, spiked, tangled, or shelved.

Shelved? What the crap does that mean? Does that mean I couldn't do my hair like Kid from Kid 'n' Play? Is that shelved? Geez, BJU. If you have students trying to shelve their hair, you have more problems than nonconservative hairstyles. You have some sort of time paradox on your hands.

Necklines may come no lower than four fingers below the collarbone.

Unfortunately for BJU, I measure necklines using giant foam fingers.

Students are required to keep their rooms clean and neat. Rooms are inspected daily.

Also, your telescreen may be dimmed, but there is no way of shutting it off completely. (Second 1984 reference in one week, thank you very much.)

Music must be compatible with the University's music standards:

• Contemporary Christian music is not permitted (e.g., Michael W. Smith, Stephen Curtis Chapman, WOW Worship, and so forth).

FINALLY, someone exposes that scheming Michael W. Smith for the Illuminati pawn that he is. And don't even get me started on WOW Worship. Everyone knows that entire operation is backed by the Jews.

Residence hall students may not watch videos above a G rating when visiting homes in town and may not attend movie theaters.

So, no Passion of the Christ then? No Left Behind: Tribulation Force? Geez, I don't even think Carman's Greatest Hits - The Videos got a G rating.

All weapons must be turned in for storage. Trigger locks are required for pistols.

Actually, for this demographic, that rule makes perfect sense.


So I think what I'm saying here is that I know of one guy who is seriously thinking about going back to school. Because the first time around was simply too much ...oh, what's the word...fun.