Hey everybody. Sorry for the lapse in posting. I've been pouring most of my creativity into this big speech I had to give on Saturday. It's the time of year when we invite a ton of smart kids on campus and have them compete for big scholarships. I say we make them fight to the death, but they just do essays and interviews and crap. BO-RING!!
Anyway, after all that rigmarole, they go to a nice luncheon, listen to some speeches from the president and a current scholar, and get a medal. Yippee. Well, this luncheon would be different, because I was asked to speak. It was my goal to, as they say, drop a train on 'em. And, I may announce modestly, a train was indeed dropped. It was very well-received, so I thought I'd post the text of the speech, in case there are some of you that just can't get enough of my writing. Some of it is blatantly promotional, but there's some good jokes intermingled throughout. The text is posted in the replies, because it would take up way too much space on the main page.
Hope you like it blah blah blah.
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- Timmy Tapeworm
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20 comments:
(after bio and introduction)
Thank you. I have one thing that I would like to add to that introduction. During my first year at Drake, I was selected by the wonderful ladies of 3rd Floor Goodwin residence hall as one of their “Hot Guys of the Week,” an accomplishment that, in my mind, remains my very proudest to this day. Some people win national competitions, I win “Hot Guy of the Week.” And I’m okay with that.
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished faculty, parents, siblings, friends, family, Admissions staff …hi. How are you? Good. It’s very nice to see you today and we’re glad you’re here.
Now, to the students, my main audience for what will prove to be an incredibly inspiring message…what’s up? Are you glad it’s over? You should be. The greatest potential for embarrassment now lies with me, mercilessly butchering some part of this speech. If that happens, you have my full permission to point and laugh and throw your shoe at my head. I feel you’ve earned that right, but know I may keep the shoe, especially if it’s a size 13. I may hunt down the guy who threw it, just to have the pair.
I extend my most heartfelt congratulations to you all. The fact that you are here means a few things: a career of academic achievement, fierce dedication to your responsibilities, and enough extra-curricular activities to crash a Palm Pilot. In short, you have all truly shown what can only be described as excellence.
You have also made it through today, a feat that should not be taken lightly. I saw many of you at registration at a truly inhumane hour this morning. You were all awake, which I thought was a good move on your part. Many of you even had your eyes open, which was pretty classy. After your timed essay, which I’m sure was a true delight, you all went your separate ways, but eventually found your way back to me. It was my honor to take your picture just before your interview. I thought you all looked great. You may be interested to know that I have since collected all the Polaroids and they will be published on the Internet for the world to see by 4:00 today. Then came an interview that was nicer than you all thought it would be, perhaps a class option, a tour, and a very nice lunch later and you find yourselves here, watching the tall, strange-looking student try to find a point to his speech. For this again, I applaud you.
When chosen to give this address, it was recommended that I might explore the theme of Journey. I did this, but after 15 minutes spent researching the rock band from the 80’s, it struck me that I might be slightly off-track. Incidentally, Journey has sold over 75 million records, making them the 29th best-selling music group of all time, for those of you keeping score.
My journey at Drake began 4 years ago in a bathroom stall in Cole Hall. I was preparing for my own interview and I was really nervous. Somehow I come to be under the impression that the interview would consist almost entirely of Civil War trivia. I was very upset, as I had been concentrating on machines of medieval warfare, so I was going to have to wing it. I was attempting to psyche myself up, as I sometimes did, by shadowboxing and humming “Eye of the Tiger.” Don’t laugh, I was young. I was so nervous that I eventually started to make up new words to the song based on my situation. It went something like, “Da! Da da da! Da da da! In-ter-view! Don’t! Pick your nose! That’s just gross! In-ter-view!” At this point, I became intensely aware of someone else’s presence in the stall next to me. But seeing as he was furiously humming the theme from “Chariots of Fire” while jogging in place, I think we understood each other. And I’m pretty sure you guys understand too, because I think I heard “Star Wars” coming from a stall earlier today.
Apparently, the motivational session worked, and so began my journey at Drake University. The past four years have been nothing short of amazing. I have come to love this place as my home. It has presented me with opportunities far beyond what I could have imagined. It has challenged me, inspired me, and made me think. It has been an incredible experience and I have never once regretted my decision to come here. In my time at Drake, I have had the opportunity to make a few observations about this crazy place that I would like to share with you now. Many people have given you hundreds of reasons to attend Drake University, but I would like to present you with a few reasons why you should not attend. I shall now pause as the entire Admissions Office holds its collective breath.
Don’t come to Drake if you enjoy anonymity. Here, you are not just a number in a system – you are a human being, with needs and strengths and weaknesses and worries. Your thoughts will be heard and your opinions listened to. Your professors will know your name and most often, they’ll know when you’re not in class – so go to class. At some schools, you may be just another face in the crowd that the professor lectures at, but not at Drake. I can walk through the halls of Meredith and run into two or three professors – they might not have had me in class for a year or more, but they greet me by name and genuinely ask how I’m doing. I had no idea how much I would value having that kind of relationship until I got here and now I can’t imagine learning without it.
You may even get to know some of the administration! As intimidating as they look, our administrators are all very friendly, open people. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – we have probably the coolest university president around and definitely the coolest first lady, as some of you saw last night. I run into them more frequently than they’d like to admit, but they’re always ready with a smile and a kind word. President Maxwell is into Russian literature – how cool is that? – and sometimes he asks me who my favorite Russian author is. And I say, “I don’t know, P-Max.” (I call him P-Max ‘cause we’re tight.) I say, “I don’t know, P-Max…Tchaikovsky?” And he’s like, “Come on, T-Bone. That’s a composer.” I’m just kidding; I have a favorite Russian author. It’s Tom Clancy…ivsky…ovsky.
Don’t come to Drake if you hate being challenged. I hate to sound like I’m bragging, but high school wasn’t terribly hard for me – I imagine many of you feel the same way. But I quickly learned that I couldn’t breeze through Drake. Professors asked me questions I didn’t know the answers to, students out-referenced and out-debated me, and one time I got lost in the library. But these are the best kinds of challenges – the ones that make you work harder, think in ways you hadn’t before, and learn to unravel a ball of string behind you as you enter the stacks. And you thought Greek Mythology had no practical applications.
The challenges can be enjoyable too. My favorite class I’ve taken at Drake was called Modern Political Satire, taught by Prof. Caufield, a political science professor. We read books like Catch 22 and Animal Farm and even got to watch The Daily Show, all to examine the role of satire and its effects on society. We laughed a lot in that class, but it was also very enlightening. Another favorite was titled Nazi and Resistance Culture, in which we examined the sociological aspects of Germany during World War II and asked why the events of the war happened there. Not so much laughing in that class, but just as enlightening and very challenging. Quick plug for Dr. Sanders – both of those and many of my other favorite classes at Drake have been Honors classes. So…take Honors classes.
Don’t come to Drake if you want to be unemployed after college. This may sound ridiculous, but for thousands of students across America, it is a legitimate goal. Drake will not help you be unemployed. Sorry. Here at Drake, you will receive a solid liberal arts education and extensive, practical training in your field of study. Through Drake, you can find resume workshops, mock interviews, internships, contacts in your field…the opportunities are plentiful. I have had the opportunity to intern at a local radio station group, an improv comedy theatre in Chicago, and now at a marketing agency in West Des Moines, all because of contacts I’ve made here at Drake. I am confident that the skills I have learned and the contacts I have made will result in a rewarding career after graduation, which is exactly what I tell my dad when he asks about my job search every week. For those of you who are curious, my plans upon graduation include finding a job in the Chicago area in the fields of public relations or marketing while pursuing my true love of improvisational comedy. If any of you are from that area and have contacts I should talk to, I’ll be up here after the ceremony with resumes in hand. And no, I’m not even joking. How’s that, Dad? Are you happy now?
Don’t come to Drake if you enjoy being bored, in your room, uninvolved and alone. With over 180 student organizations and groups to join, a dedicated Student Activities Board, social programming in the residence halls, and the thriving Des Moines nightlife, if you’re bored, it’s because you’re trying. I’ve met some of my best friends in the world here at Drake – some in the residence halls, some in campus groups, and one even at the President’s School Spirit Night my scholarship weekend. The campus groups and organizations are a personal favorite of mine – I loved how they let me be involved and explore the things I was interested in regardless of what I was studying. So that even though I wasn’t a music major, I could still play saxophone in the jazz band. Even though I wasn’t a radio major, I could still have a show on the college radio station. All of you bring special talents and abilities to your environment. Here at Drake, you will be encouraged and even expected to share them, because keeping that cool stuff to yourself is just no fair to the rest of us. If there’s something you’re interested in and it doesn’t exist, start it! I decided this year that I wanted to find other people interested in improvisational comedy, so I started DICEY. These groups let me explore my passions and grow as a person without pigeonholing me into one area of study. They also let me explore the idea of overcommitting – be careful about that. If you get to the point where you have to schedule sleep in your planner, you’ve gone too far. This reminds me, I have a 3:00 nap that I cannot be late for, so allow me to finish up.
I’ve given you some reasons not to come here. I highly doubt any of them apply to you. I’m willing to bet that Drake could become your home just as easily as it became mine. Know that whatever the results of this weekend turn out to be, coming to Drake is the start of an incredible journey. For me, that journey is coming to an end. But it has forever changed me. Because of Drake and the people I’ve met here, I am stronger, smarter, more confident, more passionate about the things important to me…and to one group of very special young ladies, I will always be their “Hot Guy of the Week.” And that is more, much more than enough.
Take time to enjoy your senior year, as it goes much too quickly. And wherever your path may take you, I wish you Godspeed. Thank you.
Great speech Timmy. As I read it, I imagined the speech I would give in the comparitavely Bizarro Robert Morris College. It would basically be waving the incomming students away, perhaps with two flares like in 'The Rock' that would be pretty dramatic.
I also enjoyed the Journey reference, I was reading it and hoping you would come to the 80's rock group joke. Like the solid comic you are, you did. Good work. You have the Scott Gresham seal of approval. It's a hand turkey, but it's a hand turkey leafed in gold.
Anyway, I'm a bit surprised you were worried about bombing when you had a prepared speech like that to back you up. I mean, it's always a possibility. But the way I look at it, stories you tell about bombing are always funny about a month or so after the fact. So either way laughter will come out of it. Though, it really is better to get it the first time around.
Keep up the good work.
- Scott
Reading your writing makes me so disgusted with my own that I'm wanting to chop of my hands with a meat cleaver, that I may never write again.
Yeah, all those were me. Stupid internet screw ups. Keep on truckin', baby.
Wow Tim! What a great speech! What is the admissions department going to do with ALL of those students wanting to come to Drake? Great work... seen our psychology friend lately?
-Amy
Thanks, Scotty. I also briefly considered the use of pyrotechnics, but I had to run everything by the Admissions Office and they get all nervous about fires and stuff. But the Journey bit got a nice laugh, so I consider that to be my verbal pyrotechnics.
I don't know if I was really worried about bombing. I thought it would go well, but there's always the possibility that people will be uptight and tired and not receptive. But I figured that I had enough stuff in there that at least SOME stuff would hit. I worried about the Tchaikovsky bit flying over some heads, but it was a smart crowd. If you were referring to the "drop a train" reference, that's actually a GOOD thing, as referenced in Strong Bad's "Virus" e-mail: "Drop a train on 'em, Edgar!"
Jacob, I don't think your writing is so bad. It's mostly your posting skills that need work.
Thanks Amy! Good to hear from you. I did actually run into our Psychology friend on Saturday, as he was one of the interviewers and I was taking pictures of all the kids. We exchanged hellos and I thought of you and the good times we had being traumatized.
Wow... I totally want to go to Drake now! Wait...
AM
Hey Timmy, wow. What a great speech! You are truly talented. Which of course, I have never doubted. Anyways, wish we could have been there. Thanks for the fun on the radio last night.
al
No no no, not the 'drop a train' reference. Come on, how could you accuse ME of not knowing my Strong Bad? What I was talking about was your away message which was something to the effect of "I have a speech to give, and I really don't need to bomb today. Send good thoughts my way at around 2:00.'
So clearly, it seemed, you were worried about bombing. A minor point, not truly worthy of a post? Perhaps. But a mark on my record of spotless Strong Bad refrences cannot stand.
I apologize, good sir. I stand corrected. Still tall, but now corrected as well.
Shoot. Good thing we still have time to select you as "Boyfriend of the Week." All we need is a pic. HINT.
You made me psyched to walk on Drake's campus tomorrow, my friend. Spectacular work, as usual (stupid National Alumni Scholars).
:D,
J
Wow Timmy RyRy, that was amazing! I could have used that speech last spring when I was contemplating where to go to college... but I ended up here at Drake ultimatly because of the money they were giving me... and although my first year of Drake has been filled with crap and many (upon many) hard times, I have some how decided to stay here for the next 3 years to and to leave with an Advertising and Radio/TV Broadcasting Major (that was decided today actually) and a Theatre minor. But anywhos. Great job on the speech! You are awesome! :-)
SURE! Easy for YOU to say, Mr. I'm-graduating-and-taking-off-in- May- and-leaving-the-rest-of-you-chumps-to-stay- and- eat-Sodexho! Mr... LEAVER. Mr. Leavy Leaverson!
Excuse me, I'm off to the Health Center... I'm a little upset now and I think I need a little Zoloft/ Ortho Tricyclin cocktail to solve all my problems....
(Go ahead and correct my spelling, Andy. Im not entirely positive that Ortho Trycylin even is birth control, but I think I saw it on a commercial once )
~Keri
Haha. And here's how my speech might go:
Don’t come to Drake if you don’t want to be Greek
Don’t come to Drake if you expect quality health care services or competent financial aid staff.
Don’t come to Drake to obtain an MRS degree.
Don’t come to Drake because of the “it’s the Harvard of the Midwest” myth.
Don’t come to Drake if you've been accepted at Harvard.
Don’t come to Drake for the Des Moines “cultural experience” or “hip music scene.”
Don't come to Drake for the Arthur Anderson Time Element.
Don't come to Drake if you don't like construction sites (although this year has been a lot better).
Don't come to Des Moines for the obstacle course we lovingly refer to as "I-235".
Don’t come to Drake if you think that I might find you annoying.
Okay, that last one may have been a little mean....
~Keri again
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