Okay, on to happier topics. Let me tell you about my new apartment in Chicago.
Let's imagine, for the purposes of this exercise, that my life is a sitcom. The series focuses on a mildly sheltered Midwestern youth moving to the big city for the first time. He gets an apartment with a friend, not a wildly expansive Friends-like apartment, but one that's realistic to his recently graduated price range. This apartment (and the surrounding environment) has many wacky quirks that lend to sitcom hilarity. Can you picture it?
Okay, keep that picture in your mind. I'm not even joking you - that's my apartment. To a T! I'm going to live in a sitcom apartment.
Allow me to explain, in easy-to-understand list format:
- The apartment is located above a dry cleaners. Our packages are delivered to the cleaners if no one is home. The owners are apparently very nice and will give you a discount once they get to know you. I do not know if the owners of the cleaners are Asian, but given that the name of the business is "Swan Cleaners," I like to think that they are. (Or that they are in the business of cleaning swans.) Unfortunately, we do not have to go through the cleaners to get to our apartment. That would be extra-special hilarious.
- The apartment is literally RIGHT next to the El tracks. There is a bend in the tracks to avoid our building. I could probably reach out the window and touch the train as it passes, but that's just because my arms are 10 feet long. And you can hear it every time it goes by. Picture Brad Pitt and Gweneth Paltrow's apartment in Se7en, only the place doesn't shake as much and no one's head ends up in a box.
- My room is not even close to being square. It is long and narrow and kind of curves around in a way that would give M.C. Escher a headache. In short, it resembles my own body. Also, there is a step-up closet. Yes, step-UP. I predict lots of head-hitting.
- I have three roommates. Two are female comedians. I'm not even talking comedians like "Ha ha, they're so funny." I'm talking comedians like "Ha ha, they're so funny, they make a living being funny." (Regular blog visitors will know one of them as the infamous tara d.) I have another roommate (male) who I really don't know. He's the wildcard. Three's Company plus wildcard updated to 2005, anyone? I demand Don Knotts be our landlord.
- Next to the cleaners on the ground floor is Stage Left Theatre, an alternative, kind of radical political theater that could provide many hilarious guest stars in the "crazy actor" mold.
- It's just a few blocks south of Wrigley Field and right between two of the big improv theatres in the city, making the apartment pretty much the epicenter of hilarity and revelry for the entire city.
8 comments:
...Or if not reality show, porno. Seriously nice setup you have. I think a network would demand that the stakes are higher. Not that being an aspiring comic/improvisario/lanky celebrity isn't high stakes. But maybe you could fight terrorism as well? Just something to think about. Test groups seem to like it.
Anyway I can't say I'm not jealous. That's a pretty sweet, if cliched from movies and television, deal you have there. Chicago, no parents to worry about, no schoolin', enjoying yourself. Good for you man. Meanwhile I shall toil until February when I am freed from my bonds and similarly take flight.
- Scott
P.S. I'm totally comming to visit.
Noooooo!!! Tim, don't leave me!!! You're going to cut my "People I know in Springfield" count down dramatically. Plus I'll miss coming home from work to find you playing PS2 in the apartment... and all the other good times we've shared. I'm too distraught to be witty. I'm going to go cry in a closet somewhere.
no head in a box... yet.
YET!
...
(yet.)
we can't wait for you to come join us. sidebar: we don't know the other guy that well, either. secrets! anyway, i will do my very best to take care of tim, and make his life with us a porno.
talk about head in a box.
bing-bong!
Sweet dude! Glad to know you won't be on the streets (initially). But seriously. Don't be a sell out. If you change and start getting all weird be cause you live next to an alternative/political theatre and the next time I see you yor handing our pamphlets or owning an iBook, I'll be functionally disappointed.
Congrats brah.
AM
Wow. Uh... multiple misspellings on my part. *...you're handing out pamphlets...* Man I need some sleep.
I want to state once again my dissapointment that on your blog links sidebar you have Scott and Rob at the very top and I'm still behind Moby. WTF, dude.
The apartment sounds A-MA-Zing! Oh my word, you are going to have so much fun! Yes, i'm pretty sure that they do clean swans at that dry cleaners. Ducks and Roosters too! Yeah! Please don't let your life turn into a porno! Sitcom yes, porno, not so much! Anyway i hope that you have an amazing time and that your safe enough! Get back to me! i miss talking to you! I may call tonight even though it is definitely 11PM!! I know no sense of time because of this whole "college thing"! Apologies in advance! Anyway, I will come see you sometime being as my roommate lives right outside Chicago! And Wrigley stadium! My goodness, what a Cardinal traitor! Remember your roots! Talk to you soon!
See, I thought that dry cleaners always cleaned swans. Why else do I always get my suits back covered in feathers?
Glad it's working out.
How do you know someone's head won't end up in a box? Cause I don't think you know that right away. That comes about a season into the sitcom when Alan Alda gets behind the camera and gets all preachy.
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