Epilogue and stingers

Okay, so I made a mistake when I left Rob completely out of the Risk account. He did a lot of important stuff, like...show up late. In complete Best Buy regalia. And then play PS2 all night, while occasionally looking at the board and encouraging Jake to do something. Man, I can't believe I left that out.

Although after I left the game, we did thoroughly enjoy the many nuances of Super Monkey Ball, which is of course a video game and not a terrible euphemism. Especially great is the monkey boxing. But it's hard to steer your monkey when you're laughing your head off.

Geez...steer your monkey...I give up. It's impossible to talk about that game without sounding obscene.

Good thing though - we really don't have to worry about it anymore. Josh was trying to take the disc out of the case and BROKE IT IN HALF!! Guess all that brickmonkeying really built him up. So...no more Monkey Ball. Sad, because Monkey Bowling was really great.

Okay, so I need your help on something. I still haven't changed my sleeping habits from college, so I have some late nights, but even worse, sometimes I can't fall asleep. So what do I do when I'm lying in bed at 2 in the morning? Sometimes, I imagine I go to Hogwarts. That's what you think about when you re-read the entire Harry Potter series because you have the time. But sometimes, I write jokes.

And these are really weird, surreal messed-up jokes, and I have no idea if they're funny to anyone else besides me when I'm in my bed at 2 in the morning. So I'm going to post a few and you can tell me what you think. When you read these, think Mitch Hedberg-ian one-liners, only me, slightly ripping off this style.

• If you sustained an injury while walking, it probably wouldn’t be good advice to walk it off.
  
  
• Popes get to name themselves when they become Pope, but they all pick boring names. I'd be Pope Batman the Destructor.
  
  
• If it was really two-percent milk, the container would not be nearly as full. It would be ninety-eight percent air.
  
  
• Once I got lost in a corn maze. To a Native American, that sentence sounded like, “Once I got lost in a corn corn.”
  
  
• When in Rome, do as the Romans do: make fun of American tourists trying to fit in with the locals.
  
  
• Most people react badly when someone says, “Hey man, I’m gonna knock you into next week,” but I think that would be cool because then you would be in the future.
  
  
• What if your mutant power was that you never had to sleep? You probably couldn’t go be a superhero, but you could get a lot of stuff done.
  
  
• I am very thankful that I have never had to say the phrase, “Oh no, my brother is trapped inside the TV.” But now I have and I can never use that joke again.
  
  
• I named my dog Armageddon, but mostly I call him Red. Especially when I have to call him home for dinner. I changed because I was spooking the neighbors.
  
  
• If you are celebrating Independence Day and you are counting on your neighbor to bring the hot dogs, you are completely missing the point.

FRIDAY MORNING EDIT: After I posted this last night, I went to lie in bed and the very thing I described happened again. So here's last night's 2 AM joke:

• Do you think Heaven has a library? I bet if it does, it has every book in The Babysitter's Club series, because God seems like he values completion.