Risk-y business

It was just over a week ago that I controlled the entire Western Hemisphere. My biggest rival to world domination had retreated to Great Britain, his spirit broken by my overseas offensive. My other two rivals were fighting a brutal but pointless war in the far East. I was virtually assured victory. Then it all fell apart.

I'm speaking of course, about a killer game of Risk. I relate it to you because I think there is a lesson here for us all.

Here's the situation: I do indeed control the entire Western hemisphere. The only three entry points to my territory - Brazil, Alaska, and Greenland - are heavily fortified. The only other person to control a whole continent was Jake, who claimed to only want peace for Europe, but I couldn't stand for that, so I took Iceland. After that, he said the game was over and pulled all of his troops back to Great Britain, generating three troops turn after turn and doing nothing. Josh and Scott were locked in some strange civil war over New Guinea because Josh simply cannot fathom playing Risk without building out from Australia. So I'm looking pretty good.

Then Josh and Scott form an alliance, which I say is totally bogus in games of Risk. But whatever, they did. So they start coming at me and goad me into fighting a war on three fronts and spreading my troops too thin. Meanwhile, Jake is still building up his forces, really for no reason. Every turn, he just puts three guys in Great Britain and says he's done. Eventually, he gets about 45 troops on this little territory, which essentially turns Great Britain into a police state. There's a bobby on every corner at this point - you can't get away with anything.

Here's where the tide turns - this whole time, Scott has been trying to goad Jake into attacking me. Eventually the goading becomes too much for any man to bear (plus, Scott called him fat, example ONE BILLION of Scott's mouth getting him in trouble) and he turns his enormous army, not on me, but on Scott. He uses the "push" technique, taking Scott's territories one by one, leaving one man to guard them and pushing the huge stack of pieces onward, eventually wiping Scott completely from the board. This entire time, Scott is shaking his head and saying, "I really did not see this coming." It was an amazing act of aggression from a player that had been sitting in Great Britain the entire game. I guess they ran out of tea or something.

So, to make a long story short -

Greek chorus: TOO LATE!

Shut up. So, I'm screwed by this point, so I turn my pieces over to Scott so I can go play PS2. He retreats to Madagascar for some reason - a strange move, considering he had to fight there just to retreat there. Jacob, his mission accomplished but forces depleted, succumbs to Josh's now monstrous Asian army. Eventually, there's a standoff for Madagascar, but Josh wins because he's a jerk and makes alliances. Plus, it was his board we were breaking in, so that's a 10% home-court advantage.

The lesson? Honestly, I've forgotten. It might have been something about not trusting the English or two weak enemies who team up. Or maybe it was something about how Brazilian troops get distracted by their hot women and lose battles they shouldn't. But it was most likely just the general advice of not calling Jake fat, because he'll make you regret it.

And that truly is a lesson for us all.

P.S. Did you know Ron's Patronus takes the form of a Jack Russell terrier? Isn't that adorable? A little dog yipping at evil dementors? I hope he has cause to produce one in Book 7 - I think it would be hilarious. Man, the things you learn while scouring J.K. Rowling interviews at 2 in the morning...