Another long one

Hey, remember how I'm working on that senior thesis where I write sketch comedy and then call it a senior thesis? Yeah, I'm still doing that. So here's another sketch for you. I explained the premise of this scene in a car with four of my friends one time and it absolutely died. Apparently they didn't understand that I was just telling them the premise, because they thought it ended rather abruptly. So I'm anxious to hear if anyone else finds it as funny as I do. Okay, here we go.

“Pirate”

Setting: Kooney’s, a neighborhood bar

Characters: Tim

Andy

Bill – all guys in their young 30’s. Friends since college, now family men

Brian Kooney – the bartender and proprietor of the establishment

Tim’s son

(The three men are sitting at the bar, laughing. They have a rapport that belies their long friendship. Andy is in the middle of a story.)

Andy: So NOW he’s in this phase where he’s all about running around naked, right? I don’t know where he gets it. He didn’t learn it from me, that’s for sure – I mean, I like being naked as much as the next guy, but – whatever. So I lose track of him for a couple minutes – he goes off somewhere – then he comes back, looks up at me with those big brown eyes and says, “Daddy, I made pee-pee come OUT of my pee-pee!”

(laughter)

Tim: Ah, there’s nothing quite like a young man discovering his pee-pee for the first time. If he only knew the sheer joy and utter embarrassment that would result from this discovery.

Bill: Listen to us, telling stories about our kids…being responsible adults. Who would have thought we’d end up like this? 10 years ago, we were sitting around in a dorm room, hopped up on Mountain Dew and Gummi Worms, playing Halo 2 until 3 in the morning. Now look at us. We’re family men, for God’s sake.

Andy: And proud of it! (lifts glass) To fatherhood!

All: To fatherhood!

(they clink glasses and drink, as manly men do)

Bill: I always destroyed you guys at Halo 2.

Tim & Andy: (angrily protesting) hubbub…I destroyed your mom at Halo 2…hubbub…fragged your candy ass… (they’re not really saying hubbub. That’s just a representation of the cross-talking.)

Bill: Yeah yeah…you know my kid can take me now? We just picked up Halo 7 – straight out of the box, the kid’s destroying me! DESTROYING me! He’s 5 years old and he’s taking his old man at video games.

Andy: There’s a blow to the old ego.

Bill: No, that’s the thing – I don’t even care! Well, maybe a little. It sucks, yeah. But I’m just proud of him. Kid’s got great hand-eye coordination, amazing reflexes…probably going to be a professional baseball player.

Tim: No joke?

Bill: Seriously. He’s got some skills. I’m just excited to give him all the opportunities I never had. I can afford to send him to clinics, get him private batting lessons – really give him a shot at his dream, you know?

Andy: Bill, he’s 5. Right now, his biggest dream is to be a Power Puff girl.

Bill: You shut your mouth. That’s just a phase he’s going through. Besides, your kid’s a nudist.

Andy: This is true. I know what you mean though – I never had it bad, but I just want my kid to have a better life than me. I think he’s going to be a lawyer.

Bill: Oh fantastic.

Andy: Shut up, I’m serious! He can argue me into the ground! He got in trouble one night and wasn’t supposed to get dessert – but he convinced me that he deserved a cookie anyway. And we didn’t even have any cookies in the house! I ran down to the gas station to get the kid some cookies – that’s how convincing he was.

Bill: (lifts glass) To our kids!

All: To our kids! (they clink again, drink again)

(Tim does not clink as heartily as before. In fact, he’s been strangely quiet during this whole conversation.)

Bill: Tim, what’s wrong, man? You’ve been strangely quiet during this whole conversation.

(Tim pauses, uneasily)

Andy: Seriously, what’s up? You know you can tell us anything.

(another uneasy pause)

Tim: I think my son’s gonna be a pirate.

(pause)

(the other two burst out laughing)

Bill & Andy: (still laughing, mockingly) Arrr! Shiver me timbers! Generic pirate catchphrases!

(laughing dies out)

(pause)

(Bill & Andy look nervously at Tim, who is still silent.)

Tim: I think…that when he grows up…my son…is going to be a pirate.

Andy: You mean, like a software pirate? Like he’ll be standing on the street corner selling copies of Windows 20.1 out of a briefcase?

Tim: (frustrated) NO, ANDY! That’s not what I mean. I mean a real, honest-to-god pirate, with an eyepatch and a pegleg and a parrot on the shoulder! I mean swashbuckling and buried treasure and the whole seven yards!

Bill: Nine yards.

Tim: SHUT UP, BILL! This is serious, guys! I don’t want my son to grow up to be a pirate!

Andy: Well, how do you know he’s going to be a pirate? He’s 6 years old, Tim.

Tim: I can just tell. Same way you know your kid’s gonna be a lawyer, I know my kid’s gonna be a pirate. He runs around the house all day waving his cardboard sword around, wearing his pirate outfit…

Bill: Where’d he get a pirate outfit?

Tim: I DON’T KNOW!! I sure as hell didn’t buy it for him. He just showed up to breakfast one day and was like, “Hello, I’m a pirate!” Started nancying around in his frilly shirt and pointy hat like he’s Jack Sparrow!

Andy: Tim, calm down. Pirates don’t really exist anymore. They pretty much vanished along with the spice trade. How could he possibly be a pirate?

Tim: I’ve got two words for you, my friend. Cruise ships. When he sees a Royal Caribbean ad come on TV, he starts foaming at the mouth! Takes his sword out and starts muttering under his breath about family jewels and scalawags.

Bill: Well, I’m sure this is just a phase. He’ll probably grow out of it.

Tim: He downloaded the schematics for Monarch of the Sea and circled the weak points in crayon! He drew arrows to the ship and wrote “rope swing to here.” He very specifically drew where he wanted to make people walk the plank off the poop deck! It was right by the 24-hour hot dog stand!

(Bill and Andy shake their heads in disbelief)

(pause)

Andy: (mutters something under his breath)

Tim: What’d you say?

Andy: (angrily) I said maybe you shouldn’t have named him Bluebeard! If you didn’t want him to be a pirate, maybe that wasn’t the best name to give him!

Tim: You shut your mouth! That is a family name!

Bill: (tentatively) Maybe…you could ask him…if he’s tried not being a pirate.

Tim: (despondent) …I have. I do it all the time. I say, “Hey buddy, why don’t we try being ninjas today? Just you and me, we’ll go be ninjas, flipping out and killing people.” But he never goes for it. I just…I don’t know, guys. I just think he’s a pirate. And he’s always going to be a pirate.

Andy: …then you’ve just got to accept the fact that he’s a pirate.

Tim: But I don’t want him to be a pirate, Andy. It’s not natural. I want him to be a lawyer like your kid.

Andy: Geez, man. I don’t know my kid’s gonna be a lawyer. So he convinced me to give him a cookie. So what? Maybe he’s gonna be a Keebler Elf when he grows up. I don’t know! The point is, you can’t choose what your kid’s gonna be. You guide them and teach them to make good choices, but in the end, the choices are his to make.

(pause)

Tim: That sucks.

Andy: Tell me about it. I can’t even make my kid put some clothes on.

Bill: Hey, maybe this isn’t all that bad. The pirate life might be pretty sweet, at least to live vicariously through.

Andy: He’s got a point. You get to hear about all the adventures without leaving the couch.

Bill: If you never want him to visit, just move somewhere landlocked.

Tim: I…I’d never have to shop for jewelry again. I’d just claim part of the booty.

Andy: Now you’re talking! The life of a pirate!

Bill: The high seas!

Andy: The adventure!

Bill: The damsels in distress!

Tim: (convinced, he stands, raises glass) My son, the pirate! To Bluebeard!

Bill & Andy: To Bluebeard!

(clinking and drinking)

Brian Kooney: (stereotypical Irish pub owner accent) Aye, will ye lads be needin’ anythin’ else this evenin’?

(A small boy dressed as a pirate suddenly pops onstage. He stands behind Kooney and sticks his cardboard sword into Kooney’s back.)

Boy: Arr, matey. Open yer safe or I’ll run ya through where ya stand.

Tim: THAT’S MY BOY!!

(blackout)