I just saw a commercial for the movie "Kung Fu Hustle" in which it proudly proclaimed itself to be the "Number 1 Kung Fu Comedy movie in America!" I'm sure it's a great movie and all, but does it really have a lot of competition in that genre at the moment? I just enjoy the fact that they needed to slap comedy on there as another modifier just to make it number one.
While trying to find out the proper spelling of Yarmulke, I actually googled the phrase "Jew hat." And then I felt like a terrible person.
Anyway, enjoy the blackouts.
“Dracula”
Setting: Creepy old deserted castle, interior, night.
Characters: Betty
Johnny…two brave teenagers like you used to see in old horror movies
Dracula
(Betty and Johnny are very cautiously making their way across stage.)
Betty: I don’t like the looks of this old castle, Johnny. Let’s get outta here.
Johnny: Don’t worry, Betty. This old treasure map says the treasure’s supposed to be buried…just…behind…this…door…
(Suddenly a bat appears out of nowhere and flies in front of the kids. Then…POOF! A cloud of smoke obscures the view. When it clears…there stands Dracula himself! [In the special-effects free world of sketch comedy, this will most likely involve an actor making a bat with his hands, saying “POOF!”, miming the smoke cloud, and then becoming Dracula.])
Dracula: (in that special Dracula voice) Velcome, children.
Johnny: AHH! Dracula! Betty, the crucifix, now!
(Betty quickly reaches into her purse and pulls out a large wooden crucifix. She hands it to Johnny, who immediately sticks it in Dracula’s face.)
Johnny: Back! Back, you vile creature!
(There is no effect. Johnny shakes the crucifix a couple times and tries again. Still nothing.)
Johnny: It’s not working!
Dracula: Vy vould it?
(Dracula slowly reaches underneath his cape and pulls out a Yarmulke, which he puts on his head.)
Betty and Johnny: AHH!!! HE’S JEWISH!!!
(They run out screaming.)
(blackout)
“Phone Call”
Setting: A Drake University office
Characters: Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences
Person on phone (unheard)
(The Dean is sitting at his desk. The phone rings.)
Dean: Hello, Drake University. Dean of Arts and Sciences.
(pause)
I’m sorry?
(pause)
No, you’ll have to slow down.
(pause)
What now?
(pause)
Didn’t get a word of that.
(pause)
I’m sorry, I can’t understand you at all.
(pause)
No, it’s okay, you’re perfect. Congratulations, you’re the new math professor.
(blackout)
“Instant Message”
Setting: Cyberspace
Characters: Wishes72
MystryCat85 – two bubbly freshman girls known only by their IM screennames
(The two girls are both seated at desks, typing away on computers. They give no impression that they see each other, letting the audience know that they are not in the same room. They speak what they are typing on their instant message conversation, otherwise the scene would be very boring to watch.)
Wishes72: And then this guy was like, “You have great skin.” And I don’t even know his name!
MystryCat85: No way! What a skeeze! You’d think he’d at least introduce himself before dropping the creepy bomb like that!
Wishes72: I know, right?
MystryCat85: LOL!
Wishes72: ROFL!
MystryCat85: Winky face!
Wishes72: Smiley face!
MystryCat85: Jumping dolphin!
Wishes72: Vampire bat!
(both laugh)
Wishes72: Oh MystryCat85, you’re so cool. I’m really glad we’re friends.
MystryCat85: Ooh, that’s so sweet. I totally agree, Wishes72.
Wishes72: Hey, could you hand me my water bottle?
MystryCat85: Sure.
(She does, in fact, hand Wishes72 a water bottle.)
Wishes72: Thanks! You’re the best roommate ever!
(blackout)
8 comments:
H'ok. So my internet time is limited, and it's between this and posting something short on my own blog. Since I'll do that tomorow, you get the post. I imagine a shining light and a sustained chord of awe as you feel this honor bestowed upon you. At during which I point out that you don't have to be so damn dramatic. Then I move to my comment:
In order:
Dracula: been there, done that, read the post. I enjoyed it but you alluded to it in a past post. I can't remember how long ago, but it was awhile. I laughed harder at "Jew hat". But don't feel bad, I laughed pretty hard at "Jew hat" just for the hilarity of the two words in reference to the stately Yarmulke.
Math Mumbles: PFH. Pretty freakin' hilarious. Even more so when I imagine the supposedly foreign or otherwise English-impared person teaching math. Good stuff. Offensive, perhaps. But no more so than I would eek out in the first 30 seconds I meet someone.
IM Girls: Annoying. Just like all IM conversations overusing LOL, JK, ROFL, HAHA, SLKJDFLKJSD, weird emoticons, etc. But, there is some decent stuff there. It's a doable blackout if nothing else springs to mind. The purpose of a blackout is to fill time better than nothing at all, and in that respect, it's a whelming success. Not an overwhelming, and certainly not an underwhelming. I'd say right at whelming. And that's my judgement.
- Scott
A) "posted by Timmy Tapeworm at 12:49 AM" that is 49 minutes past the goal.
B) What is ROFL? I have never heard that one. But I really like the sketch.
C) I tried to read them out loud to Linda and Ollie, but they wouldn't shut up long enough to hear.
~c
ROFL: Rolling on floor laughing.
More like sitting in chair lying. You might OCCASIONALLY laugh out loud, but there's no way in hell you'd ever be rolling on the floor laughing. Especially not in response to ;-). Oh IM world, you foul web of treachery.
Ok, now I'm SERIOUSLY going to bed. No more blog PSA's. Really. This is goodnight. I'm stopping typing in 10 seconds no matter where I am or what word I'm abou
Ha! Thanks scotty! Now I can expand my internet vocabulary. If only I were kidding... That was the best reply (and fastest probably) to a note. I was "LOL" believe it or not! Whoop woop.
It's all solid, Tim. The only problem I have is that a "crucifix" is an cross with a crucified Jesus on it. I don't know if that's what you intended to use or not, but a wooden one would probably be very hard to come by and the Jesus woudl be so intricately carved that you wouldn't want to risk damanging it in the rigors of stage acting in the first place.
This is not to say that I don't like the skits! I do! OH GOD I DO!
Dracula: Thanks Jake, I reread the word "crucifix" twice because I thought something was weird about it. I then reminded myself that Tim's smarter than me, and left it at that. Thanks for clearing that one up for me.
Dracula(2): I've had a conversation with someone after watching Van Helsing on this very topic. I said that the vampire hunters would need a bag of trinkets from all denominations... and then what happens if he's atheist?
Dracula(3): Did you know that the real life person who dracula is based after was loved by his own people? It was because he was such a vicious killer in war (heads on stakes and everything) that every other country thought he was a monster.
Math Teacher: What if the dean slipped in "Hablo Espanol? no? wait, IS it English (afterall)?" As if he was trying to identify what language the guy might be speaking.
AIM: Saddest thing, I've seen roommates message eachother first hand. And I know people who REGULARLY had AIM conversations with their suitemates.
Good work Timmy!
Third skit? Guilty as charged. Caitlin and I do that, though not quite to that extreme. We find it rather funny, just like your blackouts :) Keep it up!
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