Get those scrolling fingers ready

I seem to recall promising a new sketch in my last post, so here we go. This is a longer one - not a blackout, but an actual, fully developed sketch, which gives the scene time to develop. This scene satirizes our beloved Sodexho, the food provider on our campus. Students love to complain about Sodexho and the unfair meal plans. One of their favorite complaints is that Sodexho doesn't let people use their board meals for anyone except themselves, so they can't share their meals with a friend. They also get mad because unused meals don't rollover to the next week and that the food generally sucks. This is a look at what would happen if Sodexho extended their tyranny to other areas of life...

(WARNING: POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND YELLING AT SMALL CHILDREN FOLLOWS)

“Sodexho Preschool”

Setting: CrossBlocks, the Ultimate Preschool Experience

Characters: Sodexho Rep

Mother, Father

Two small children

(The Rep guides the two parents into the scene from upstage left. He is a master salesman, but not smarmy or arrogant. Just sincere and confident. The two children are playing with blocks downstage right)

Rep: And here we have the play area, where the children are allowed access to our many toy-related activities, which are both enjoyable and intellectually stimulating. And that about wraps up the tour. Can I answer any questions you may have about CrossBlocks, the Ultimate Preschool Experience?

(Mom and Dad are both hopelessly suburban and optimistic, still flushed with the excitement of being able to provide the best preschool money can buy for their first-born.)

Mom: Oh, I don’t think I have any. Everything just looks great. I can’t wait for little Dakota to see all this. She’s just going to love the finger painting area. I never knew there were so many colors of finger paint, did you, honey?

Dad: It boggles the mind, sweetheart. Say, I have a question. Have I heard that slogan somewhere before? It sounds awfully familiar.

Rep: Oh, you mean Ultimate Preschool Experience? You’re probably thinking of CrossRoads: the Ultimate Dining Experience.

Dad: Yeah, that’s it! CrossRoads! That was our dining hall back in college! Remember, honey? Say, this place isn’t owned by Sodexho, is it?

Rep: Guilty as charged! Our management system for college food service was so effective, we’ve branched off into many other areas with similar success. Sodexho owns paper manufacturers, steel mills, temp agencies, French prisons…

(alarmed)

Mom: French prisons?

Rep: Joking! Just a little inside joke!

(laughter from all three)

(laughter dies down)

We really do, though.

Dad: Oh, I see it now! Look honey, the play area is set up in stations, just like our old dining hall!

Rep: You are correct, sir! We’ve got a block station, a painting station, a doll station…stations to complement every style of learning and play. As we say around here, ‘If your child can’t find something they like, they’re probably autistic!”

(silence, shocked expressions)

That was inappropriate. I apologize.

Dad: Okay…let’s talk about payment plans, shall we?

Rep: Great idea, Mr. Schell. Let me just go get some paperwork…

(looks at kids playing, trails off)

Dad: What is it?

Rep: It’s nothing…just…just let me take care of something really fast.

(goes over to kids and whispers something. It’s stern, but quiet enough so that the audience doesn’t hear anything except maybe the word “sharing.” Returns to parents)

Sorry about that, just a little discipline to ensure the proper protocols are being followed.

Mom: What was that all about? Are those children doing something wrong?

Rep: No, not really. Well, yes…it’s just…oh, come on…

(goes back to kids and whispers again, louder this time. We can make out most of what he’s saying.)

No, look. These are your blocks. These are yours. No sharing.

(returns to parents)

I apologize again. You know kids! Never listen to a word you say! Ha ha!

Mom: I don’t understand, they just look like they’re playing. That boy is making a great block castle! Are block castles not allowed? Is there a ban on medieval architecture?

Rep: No, that’s not it at all. I assure you that all styles and eras of architecture are encouraged here at the Ultimate Preschool Experience. It’s just that…oh, SON OF A BITCH!

(storms over to children)

Mercedes, stop giving Quentin your blocks! Those are your blocks and he may not use them! NO SHARING!

Mercedes: But he needs them for his…med…medee…med-ee-val castle.

Rep: I don’t care about his stupid medieval castle! Nice vocabulary though. Gold star for that. But you know the rule about sharing!

Dad: What’s the rule about sharing?

(returns to parents)

Rep: There is none. No sharing allowed.

Mom: What do you mean, no sharing allowed? That’s important for kids to learn!

Rep: (becoming irate) Oh, who told you that? Some doctor? Dr. Spock, maybe? Bull crap. That’s what you get for taking child rearing advice from a Vulcan. What kids need to learn is a sense of ownership. We provide that. Your fees provide a weekly block allotment for the children. They get so many blocks per week and that’s it. If they were allowed to share, it would throw off the whole system.

Mom: Well, why don’t you let him have more blocks from the bin? There’s plenty in there!

Rep: OH, you people just don’t get it! Along with having so many blocks per week, they also have a limit on how many blocks they can use per day! Quentin has already removed his limit from the bin, so he’ll just have to make do with his incomplete medieval castle. Maybe he’ll have to make it a shanty. That’s life.

Dad: That seems like an awful lot for little kids to handle.

Rep: Yeah, well so is pooping in something other than their pants, but they get the hang of that eventually.

Mom: They’re not even good blocks! The brightly-colored letters are backward, they’re not even level and that one’s got sharp metal spikes coming out of it!

Rep: Quentin’s going to need that for the ramparts – helps keep away invaders. Look, I can assure you that our blocks are of the highest quality and besides, the children always have options.

Dad: But if your options are crap, crap, and crap, any way you go, you’re getting crap.

Rep: Well, that’s very clever, sir…OH, YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

(returns to the kids)

MERCEDES, YOU STUPID WHORE!! STOP TRYING TO GIVE QUENTIN YOUR BLOCKS! HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN HIS IGNORANT THREE-YEAR-OLD HEART BY GIVING HIM AN EXTRA BLOCK, SO JUST GET OVER IT!! THESE ARE YOUR BLOCKS AND THESE ARE HIS BLOCKS AND NE’ER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET!!

Dad: Jesus, who talks like that? This guy’s crazy!

Mom: Yeah, let’s get out of here.

(but they don’t. And the guy continues yelling.)

Rep: I WILL PUT YOUR HEAD ON A SPIKE! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL TWIST OFF YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD AND I WILL JAM IT ON A HALBERD! WE CAN PUT IT OUTSIDE QUENTIN’S CASTLE TO REPEL POTENTIAL INVADERS! HOW ABOUT THAT?! YOU’LL BE HELPING HIM THEN!! ALL BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T GET THE IDEA OF “NO BLOCK SHARING” THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!!

Dad: Okay, that is it. We’re leaving! There is no way we’re sending Dakota to an environment like this. I don’t care how many finger paint colors you have.

Rep: (instantly calm and composed) Sir, wait. I’m sorry you feel that way about our policies, but the fact is that they’ve been working for many years. But I tell you what. We’ve been having a lot of complaints about our block plan policy, so I’ll have someone look into it.

Dad: (strangely placated) Oh, did you hear that, honey? He’s going to have someone look into it.

Mom: Oh…okay. But only because someone’s looking into it.

Rep: Great, let’s talk payment plans. We’re on a per week basis here, so your fees will get Dakota five days per week.

Dad: If we don’t use all of the days in one week, do the extra days transfer to the next week?

Rep: (pause) That’s ridiculous. We’re only open five days a week. Where would you use the extra days?

Dad: (pause) That makes perfect sense.

Rep: (takes a deep breath in order to launch into another loud tirade, but stops.) Oh, fantastic.

(blackout)