Anyway, I haven't recapped a vacation for a while, so without further adieu, I present:
WHAT I LEARNED ON MY SPRING BREAK
- Shark Valley features neither sharks nor is it a valley, making it the most inappropriately named Florida attraction since The Hooker Store. (It was for fishermen. Such a disappointment.) Shark Valley should be called Alligator Path, as it is literally a path through the Everglades where you ride bikes past gators that are 10 feet away. The lack of guardrails or precautionary measures of any kind make me wonder how it isn't called Lawsuit Lane.
- Look, someone has to teach your two younger cousins the rules of street fighting. It might as well be you. If you know the rules before your first street fight, you're miles ahead of the other gang. The rules, if you're curious, are:
- Keep your head on a swivel.
- Use your environment.
- Circle up and watch your mates' backs.
- Don't do drugs. They cloud your reflexes. Plus, they're bad. (When I got to this rule, my 12-year-old cousin said, "That's the first thing you've ever told me that has a positive influence." He's probably right.)
- Make sure your shoes are double-knotted. (Josh's contribution.)
- 5 airports in one day is far too many airports. But then, four flights is far too many flights for one day. The first two were fine. By the last one, I was starting to get delirious and actually started thinking about buying something out of SkyMall.
- When arriving in Atlanta, the flight attendant will not say "Welcome to Hotlanta, ladies and gentlemen," no matter how many times you ask. Neither will Ludacris greet you at the gate. This was a massive disappointment.
- If was a flight attendant last week, I would have said that the new Sony PSPs are very dangerous and I would have to confiscate them for the remainder of the flight. Then I'd play Lumines so much that I'd forget to serve drinks.
- People look at you funny when you pull a gamepad out of your emo purse to play Final Fantasy VII at the airport gate. Honestly people, it's one of the greatest RPGs of all time. Show a little respect.
- When you interview at a PR agency in a big office building in downtown Chicago, you have to get a visitor's pass to use the elevator. They misspelled my first name and put my last name first, so my pass said (I'm not making this up) "Ryder Time." I thought it was so funny, I walked right out the door. Didn't even go to the interview. No, I'm kidding.
- Leo Burnett, an ad agency in Chicago, has its own giant building. Seriously, it's huge and it's all for this one company. I want to have my own giant building one day, but I'll probably have to settle for just a house. I'll probably get a receptionist anyway.
- My brother's fiance loves holding hands with my foot. LOVES it. Wants to do it all the time. Seriously, it's annoying how much she asks me to do it. Josh gets jealous because his toes aren't like fingers.
Finally, I've got to say: Rest in peace, Mitch Hedberg. You were a funny guy and you'll be missed.
"Rice is great when you are hungry and want 2000 of something."
8 comments:
TIMMY! That is a GROSS exaggeration! This is Allyn and I was forced to hold hands with Tim's foot. Others have praised this pasttime, but I am not one of them. Oh...as I get to the end of this comment, I am thinking, hmm..today is April Fool's day...could that be the part of Tim's post that is foolish? Man! I am so gullible!!!!! Sheesh. I retire.
al
Tim, what about Dirty Ernies? And the boat ride? And 48 hours with your favorite cousins, aunts and uncles, not to mention your loving parents? Ugh! Have a great April Fool's Day! Mom
Whoa, Mitch Hedberg is dead?! When did that happen? This better be an April Fool's joke. I can totally see him doing that. And if it is I'm totally pissed at him, because faking my own death was going to be my thing this April Fool's day.
If he isn't I'm pretty sad about the whole thing. He was a great guy, probably a little heavily into the drugs and drinking, but still one of the most unique comics I've ever seen. I haven't been this sad about a celebrity passing since Mr. Rogers died. I also can't help but feel that Terri Shaivo/The Pope are stealing the thunder from Mitch dying. Naturally he isn't famous for the same reasons they are, but neither one of them made me laugh manically. Hedberg 1, Pope/Shaivo 0.
I just hope he's in a better place, making God laugh and wonder whether he's borderline psychotic. Mitch, we'll miss you man.
- Scott
P.S. Here's a few of my favorite Hedberg Quotes:
"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
And finally:
"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself little brother, I like you just the way you are. (holding out his hand) I used to draw you..."
I know, Scotty. It's pretty sad. A lot of people thought it was a joke at first, but it's now widely reported. Check out the right sidebar on the Comedy Central home page. That's one thing that sucks about being a comedian - you can't die anywhere close to April 1st because it takes a while for people to believe you're dead.
But as far as your scoring goes, you've obviously never heard The Pope's "Live at the Vatican" CD. Hilarious, groundbreaking stuff.
Allyn - No fooling. You LOVE holding hands with my foot. Don't deny it. You can try to hide it as best you can, but it's true.
Mom - You seem to miss the point of my travelogues. I go for witty commentary rather than straight retelling. So as great as those things were, I just couldn't come up with anything funny to say about them at 12:30 this morning, so they didn't make the cut. I'll try harder next time.
NOBODY LIKES TO HOLD HANDS WITH YOUR FOOT!!!!!!!!!!
End of story.
J
So sorry. My bad. Mom
So was the joking part about you not going into the interview, or are you also joking about "Ryder Time"? Because if it is the latter, I am sorely disappointed that it is not true.
You went to a place called "Dirty Ernie's" yet couldn't find anything funny to say about it? I don't know what all went down there, but the name cracked me up in and of itself. I'm hoping it doesn't have anything to do with food, as I wouldn't trust some place like that to prepare me a meal.
In a weird twist of fate, I, too, was listening to "Death Cab For Cutie" which was the whole reason for playing it all day afterwards. What a crazy world of coincidences. Or maybe not...
~c
Tim:
Officially the Worst News I'd ever recieved on anyone's blog. I'd comment on the rest of your post... but I don't even remember what you said. I'm still clinging on to that in an hour and a half he's gonna come back and be like "April Fools!" *sigh*
"A dog is always in the pushup position" -M.H.
Post a Comment