Check out this fascinating article about Conan O'Brien. Veddy interesting...
Also go look at the site of a NYC group called Improv Everywhere. They do really great "experiments" in the city that are really funny, but not at anyone's expense. They're not messing with people to be mean, they're just kind of messing with them to make them smile. I think it's nice and that Scott should move to NYC and join.
Speaking of Scott, he called me today and opened with the line, "Hey, want to save lives and read comic books?" This, surprisingly, is only the second weirdest opening line he's delivered this week. The weirdest was on Monday when he simply yelled "I LOVE YOU!" when I picked up. This was odd because I was in Barnes & Noble at the time and I think the people around me heard. Fortunately, I was in the graphic novel section and none of the nerds knew what those words mean.
Anyway, by "save lives," he actually meant donate blood, so we went to the Springfield Blood Center and did the fun interviewing routine. (Some of the questions on that interview I really feel are just for laughs - "Have you ever traveled to the moon or been paid to have sex with someone who HAS traveled to the moon?" is really not that far off from some of the questions on the interview.)
I assume I passed, because I was ushered into the blood-letting room and given a nice cushy chair to sit it. Let me tell you, the chairs in the blood center are a heck of a lot nicer than those ramshackle wicker things they have at your college or high school. Very nice. Scott (or "Harry," as he was addressed in the blood center) was given the seat next to me. We were both prepped, stuck, and then...the race was on.
15 seconds and a few squeezes later, Scott lost. Or possibly won. Depending on the rules.
It seems Scott is so AMAZINGLY strong that he managed to squeeze the needle right out of his arm. And once it's dislodged, they can't put it back. And they can't try again. So despite the fact that Scott gave about three tablespoons of blood, he was done for the day and in fact the next 56 days. That's how long he has to wait before attempting (and most likely COMPLETELY failing) to give blood again.
He waited and ate cookies he did not deserve while I completed my selfless humanitarian act. Honestly Scott, how do you sleep at night?
9.27.2005
No seriously, they're space cowboys
Holy crap! A Smoosh video? How adorable!
Remember when my blog used to be filled with exciting things like church camp and island adventures? I remember those things too. Those were good days.
My blog is not very exciting at the moment because my life is not very exciting at the moment. Just a lot of mundane stuff you do before you move, I guess. My biggest accomplishments today were returning a library book and measuring a desk. I could tell you everything that happens in every day, like Kevin Smith apparently does now, but I doubt you would find posts about Eragon, NHL 2004, and Veronica Mars very exciting. (Although Veronica Mars is a great show. Both Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon say so.)
Speaking of Joss Whedon, only two days until Serenity. I never understood what all the fuss about Firefly (the failed, nay, axe-murdered TV show on which the film is based) was about. Then I watched it. And it's really good. So that's something to look forward to. Me and my fellow geeks (read: Scott, Rob) are planning to catch the late show on Friday. Scott says that not only will he be watching all 14 episodes (including the 2-hour pilot) on Friday, he'll also be dressing up for the film. I hope he's kidding. On both counts. Actually, I hope he's not.
Okay, sorry I'm so boring that I'm telling you how excited I am to see a space western that comes out this week. Maybe tomorrow, if you're lucky, I'll tell you the story of the time my college roommate almost killed me with an apple. I think it deserves to be preserved.
Finally, I've been listening heavily to Explosions in the Sky and Sigur Ros recently. Do the meandering, instrumental songs that are sometimes sung in a made-up language (when there are words at all) reflect my current state of being? Discuss.
Remember when my blog used to be filled with exciting things like church camp and island adventures? I remember those things too. Those were good days.
My blog is not very exciting at the moment because my life is not very exciting at the moment. Just a lot of mundane stuff you do before you move, I guess. My biggest accomplishments today were returning a library book and measuring a desk. I could tell you everything that happens in every day, like Kevin Smith apparently does now, but I doubt you would find posts about Eragon, NHL 2004, and Veronica Mars very exciting. (Although Veronica Mars is a great show. Both Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon say so.)
Speaking of Joss Whedon, only two days until Serenity. I never understood what all the fuss about Firefly (the failed, nay, axe-murdered TV show on which the film is based) was about. Then I watched it. And it's really good. So that's something to look forward to. Me and my fellow geeks (read: Scott, Rob) are planning to catch the late show on Friday. Scott says that not only will he be watching all 14 episodes (including the 2-hour pilot) on Friday, he'll also be dressing up for the film. I hope he's kidding. On both counts. Actually, I hope he's not.
Okay, sorry I'm so boring that I'm telling you how excited I am to see a space western that comes out this week. Maybe tomorrow, if you're lucky, I'll tell you the story of the time my college roommate almost killed me with an apple. I think it deserves to be preserved.
Finally, I've been listening heavily to Explosions in the Sky and Sigur Ros recently. Do the meandering, instrumental songs that are sometimes sung in a made-up language (when there are words at all) reflect my current state of being? Discuss.
9.26.2005
Mice are the highest, by the way. Read the book.
"It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert man to the danger; but most of their attempts were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits, so they eventually gave up and left Earth by their own means shortly before the Vogons arrived.
The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated double backward somersault through a hoop whilst whistling 'Star-Spangled Banner,' but in fact it was this: so long and thanks for all the fish."
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The second-highest intelligent forms of life on this planet.
And we've turned them into armed assassins.
Great.
Well, guess that's the end of mankind.
Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert man to the danger; but most of their attempts were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits, so they eventually gave up and left Earth by their own means shortly before the Vogons arrived.
The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated double backward somersault through a hoop whilst whistling 'Star-Spangled Banner,' but in fact it was this: so long and thanks for all the fish."
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The second-highest intelligent forms of life on this planet.
And we've turned them into armed assassins.
Great.
Well, guess that's the end of mankind.
9.21.2005
The Art of Posing with Poseurs
Okay, enough about that crazy Raph character. His day is over. He can start his own blog if he likes the attention so much. Back to me.
Not too much going on here - just preparation for the big move and mundane things like getting my eyes checked. Incidentally, my eyesight is incredible. I actually have laser eyes. And I know what you're thinking.
So because I don't have much to talk about, it's time once again for a...
RANDOM PICTURE OF THE DAY:
Actually, it's time for a random SERIES of pictures...of the day.
Back in the spring semester of my junior year, I was asked by a friend of mine to help him out with his final project for a class. In one of the journalism classes, the final project is to produce and film a TV show. They chose to do a late-night talk show in the style of The Tonight Show, et al, and asked me to be the host. So it came to be that I was involved in "The Great Late Show with Tim Ryder." Good thing they got me or the name would have made no sense. ZERO SENSE!
Part of the prep for the show was to get pictures of me that could be used to bump into and out of commercials. So I walked around Drake's campus with none other than Miss Keri Thompson, which was funny because we didn't really know each other at the time but are great friends now. We took quite a few pictures of me (58 in fact) doing many silly things on campus and they really turned out well. They're actually some of my favorite pictures of myself, and I generally don't like pictures of myself, so that's saying something.
Anyway, I recently unearthed the CD with these pics on it from my vault o' crap and thought I'd share some. I really was tempted to just post a ton of them, but I thought it would be better if I doled them out in series, just to stretch things out.
The first series is with some statues outside the Harmon Fine Arts Center, or FAC. (It's where all the music and theater nerds live.)
At first, the group and I were getting along great. I thought we meshed well and really sounded great together. I was going to name us "Tim and the Coppertops," because some of their heads were wearing through and maybe Duracell would sponsor us.
Then that stupid little boy kept losing his place in the music. Look at me trying to get him back on beat, but he's not paying attention. Look, he's not even LOOKING at the music. How unprofessional.
So I thought I'd switch gears and bring out the axe. (I'm totally rocking a G chord in this picture.)
I could totally wail with those guys. (I'm still rocking a G chord, you just can't tell.)
But then that stupid little girl told me I was out of tune.
So I broke my guitar over her head.
It was the big finale.
You can thank Keri for the great photography. And don't worry, there are plenty more where those came from. Just wait until you see the series entitled "Variations on a Theme of Olmsted Furniture and Howard the D-Shoppe Guy."
Not too much going on here - just preparation for the big move and mundane things like getting my eyes checked. Incidentally, my eyesight is incredible. I actually have laser eyes. And I know what you're thinking.
So because I don't have much to talk about, it's time once again for a...
RANDOM PICTURE OF THE DAY:
Actually, it's time for a random SERIES of pictures...of the day.
Back in the spring semester of my junior year, I was asked by a friend of mine to help him out with his final project for a class. In one of the journalism classes, the final project is to produce and film a TV show. They chose to do a late-night talk show in the style of The Tonight Show, et al, and asked me to be the host. So it came to be that I was involved in "The Great Late Show with Tim Ryder." Good thing they got me or the name would have made no sense. ZERO SENSE!
Part of the prep for the show was to get pictures of me that could be used to bump into and out of commercials. So I walked around Drake's campus with none other than Miss Keri Thompson, which was funny because we didn't really know each other at the time but are great friends now. We took quite a few pictures of me (58 in fact) doing many silly things on campus and they really turned out well. They're actually some of my favorite pictures of myself, and I generally don't like pictures of myself, so that's saying something.
Anyway, I recently unearthed the CD with these pics on it from my vault o' crap and thought I'd share some. I really was tempted to just post a ton of them, but I thought it would be better if I doled them out in series, just to stretch things out.
The first series is with some statues outside the Harmon Fine Arts Center, or FAC. (It's where all the music and theater nerds live.)
At first, the group and I were getting along great. I thought we meshed well and really sounded great together. I was going to name us "Tim and the Coppertops," because some of their heads were wearing through and maybe Duracell would sponsor us.
Then that stupid little boy kept losing his place in the music. Look at me trying to get him back on beat, but he's not paying attention. Look, he's not even LOOKING at the music. How unprofessional.
So I thought I'd switch gears and bring out the axe. (I'm totally rocking a G chord in this picture.)
I could totally wail with those guys. (I'm still rocking a G chord, you just can't tell.)
But then that stupid little girl told me I was out of tune.
So I broke my guitar over her head.
It was the big finale.
You can thank Keri for the great photography. And don't worry, there are plenty more where those came from. Just wait until you see the series entitled "Variations on a Theme of Olmsted Furniture and Howard the D-Shoppe Guy."
9.20.2005
Raph-tastic
My good friend Raph turns 23 today. For some reason, the greatest gift I can think to give him is a post entirely dedicated to making him look like a goofball. He doesn't really need a post for that, of course, but I do what I can to remind the world that Raph is, in fact, a huge goofball.
This picture is almost as big an indictment of myself as it is of him, but it fits just the same. It's almost artsy (note the jacket half on - that's a social statement of some kind), but mostly just proves what happens when idiots get cameras.
One of the things we loved to do on our camping trips was to go take awesome action shots by the lake. With the waves crashing in the background, it just seemed appropriate to take pictures where we looked like wizards and the like. Here, Raph is imitating Mitsurugi, the character he always plays in Soul Caliber II. (I feel the need to remind you [and him] that this is also the character he completely failed to beat me with in the final match for Champion of the Universe.)
This is not Raph making a funny face. Raph always makes this face when posing for pictures. He honestly thinks it looks good.
And of course, who could forget...
The infamous "Raph stoned at graduation" picture? Man, I bet Gavin's speech was about ten times as funny for Raph that day.
Happy birthday, buddy.
Everyone feel free to share your favorite Raph story. Or just make one up.
This picture is almost as big an indictment of myself as it is of him, but it fits just the same. It's almost artsy (note the jacket half on - that's a social statement of some kind), but mostly just proves what happens when idiots get cameras.
One of the things we loved to do on our camping trips was to go take awesome action shots by the lake. With the waves crashing in the background, it just seemed appropriate to take pictures where we looked like wizards and the like. Here, Raph is imitating Mitsurugi, the character he always plays in Soul Caliber II. (I feel the need to remind you [and him] that this is also the character he completely failed to beat me with in the final match for Champion of the Universe.)
This is not Raph making a funny face. Raph always makes this face when posing for pictures. He honestly thinks it looks good.
And of course, who could forget...
The infamous "Raph stoned at graduation" picture? Man, I bet Gavin's speech was about ten times as funny for Raph that day.
Happy birthday, buddy.
Everyone feel free to share your favorite Raph story. Or just make one up.
9.16.2005
Two guys, two girls, and a dry cleaners?
Well, it took a System Restore and some third-party extraction software, but I figured it out. Switchfoot is on the iPod and the evil record companies have been held at bay for one day more. (And I agree, The Meez, it is quite good. So shut up and go listen to your Goldfinger, Jacob.)
Okay, on to happier topics. Let me tell you about my new apartment in Chicago.
Let's imagine, for the purposes of this exercise, that my life is a sitcom. The series focuses on a mildly sheltered Midwestern youth moving to the big city for the first time. He gets an apartment with a friend, not a wildly expansive Friends-like apartment, but one that's realistic to his recently graduated price range. This apartment (and the surrounding environment) has many wacky quirks that lend to sitcom hilarity. Can you picture it?
Okay, keep that picture in your mind. I'm not even joking you - that's my apartment. To a T! I'm going to live in a sitcom apartment.
Allow me to explain, in easy-to-understand list format:
Okay, on to happier topics. Let me tell you about my new apartment in Chicago.
Let's imagine, for the purposes of this exercise, that my life is a sitcom. The series focuses on a mildly sheltered Midwestern youth moving to the big city for the first time. He gets an apartment with a friend, not a wildly expansive Friends-like apartment, but one that's realistic to his recently graduated price range. This apartment (and the surrounding environment) has many wacky quirks that lend to sitcom hilarity. Can you picture it?
Okay, keep that picture in your mind. I'm not even joking you - that's my apartment. To a T! I'm going to live in a sitcom apartment.
Allow me to explain, in easy-to-understand list format:
- The apartment is located above a dry cleaners. Our packages are delivered to the cleaners if no one is home. The owners are apparently very nice and will give you a discount once they get to know you. I do not know if the owners of the cleaners are Asian, but given that the name of the business is "Swan Cleaners," I like to think that they are. (Or that they are in the business of cleaning swans.) Unfortunately, we do not have to go through the cleaners to get to our apartment. That would be extra-special hilarious.
- The apartment is literally RIGHT next to the El tracks. There is a bend in the tracks to avoid our building. I could probably reach out the window and touch the train as it passes, but that's just because my arms are 10 feet long. And you can hear it every time it goes by. Picture Brad Pitt and Gweneth Paltrow's apartment in Se7en, only the place doesn't shake as much and no one's head ends up in a box.
- My room is not even close to being square. It is long and narrow and kind of curves around in a way that would give M.C. Escher a headache. In short, it resembles my own body. Also, there is a step-up closet. Yes, step-UP. I predict lots of head-hitting.
- I have three roommates. Two are female comedians. I'm not even talking comedians like "Ha ha, they're so funny." I'm talking comedians like "Ha ha, they're so funny, they make a living being funny." (Regular blog visitors will know one of them as the infamous tara d.) I have another roommate (male) who I really don't know. He's the wildcard. Three's Company plus wildcard updated to 2005, anyone? I demand Don Knotts be our landlord.
- Next to the cleaners on the ground floor is Stage Left Theatre, an alternative, kind of radical political theater that could provide many hilarious guest stars in the "crazy actor" mold.
- It's just a few blocks south of Wrigley Field and right between two of the big improv theatres in the city, making the apartment pretty much the epicenter of hilarity and revelry for the entire city.
9.13.2005
Nothing is Allowed on Your iPod
Currently listening to: NOT the new Switchfoot album, that's for sure!!
Current mood: Salty
Oh, I'm salty alright. FRIGGIN' SALTY!!
The saltiness is directed at EMI, Columbia Records, and their parent company, Sony. You see, the new Switchfoot album, Nothing is Sound, comes equipped with RI-DONK-U-LOUS copy-protection software - so ridonkulous, in fact, that it only allows you to rip the audio file to a computer in protected WMA format. Are these files compatible with iTunes, and by extension, my trusty iPod?
No, they are not.
I don't listen to music these days unless it's coming through my iPod.
Hence the saltiness.
When are record labels going to learn that taking measures such as these do NOTHING to stop piracy and EVERYTHING to infuriate loyal customers? Honestly, they're so paranoid about piracy that they're willing to massively inconvenience users of the MOST POPULAR digital music player in the world just to feel like they're doing something about the problem!
Hey, here's a thought, music industry: STOP PUTTING YOUR ENTIRE MARKETING BUDGET BEHIND CRAPPY, FLASH-IN-THE-PAN ARTISTS!! IT'S CALLED ARTIST DEVELOPMENT - LOOK INTO IT!! People are willing to pay for things that they love and are loyal to. Family Guy is probably one of the most downloaded things on BitTorrent, yet their DVDs still set sales records? Why is this? Try extreme loyalty based on extreme quality. It's that simple.
Grrr...I am so peeved about this. (I bet you can tell.) I started out just feeling mildly inconvenienced and rapidly progressed to decrying the state of the entire music industry. (Yes, I do this often, but come on. I don't need reminding.) And I just watched Switchfoot on Conan and feel bad that they have to be swept up in all of this. They're such a great band and from what I can tell, care very little about making money from their music. I highly doubt that they had anything to do with all of this. Maybe they don't even know.
Anyway, you can bet that some highly-charged e-mails will come out of this. President of Sony, look out. My tongue is a-fiery.
I guess it's just a good things I have uber-haxxor friends that have nothing better to do than figure out workarounds to this.
EDIT: I was right about the band not knowing about this whole thing. Check out this post from Tim Foreman on Switchfoot's message boards. Glad to know I can still stand proudly as a Switchfoot fan.
Current mood: Salty
Oh, I'm salty alright. FRIGGIN' SALTY!!
The saltiness is directed at EMI, Columbia Records, and their parent company, Sony. You see, the new Switchfoot album, Nothing is Sound, comes equipped with RI-DONK-U-LOUS copy-protection software - so ridonkulous, in fact, that it only allows you to rip the audio file to a computer in protected WMA format. Are these files compatible with iTunes, and by extension, my trusty iPod?
No, they are not.
I don't listen to music these days unless it's coming through my iPod.
Hence the saltiness.
When are record labels going to learn that taking measures such as these do NOTHING to stop piracy and EVERYTHING to infuriate loyal customers? Honestly, they're so paranoid about piracy that they're willing to massively inconvenience users of the MOST POPULAR digital music player in the world just to feel like they're doing something about the problem!
Hey, here's a thought, music industry: STOP PUTTING YOUR ENTIRE MARKETING BUDGET BEHIND CRAPPY, FLASH-IN-THE-PAN ARTISTS!! IT'S CALLED ARTIST DEVELOPMENT - LOOK INTO IT!! People are willing to pay for things that they love and are loyal to. Family Guy is probably one of the most downloaded things on BitTorrent, yet their DVDs still set sales records? Why is this? Try extreme loyalty based on extreme quality. It's that simple.
Grrr...I am so peeved about this. (I bet you can tell.) I started out just feeling mildly inconvenienced and rapidly progressed to decrying the state of the entire music industry. (Yes, I do this often, but come on. I don't need reminding.) And I just watched Switchfoot on Conan and feel bad that they have to be swept up in all of this. They're such a great band and from what I can tell, care very little about making money from their music. I highly doubt that they had anything to do with all of this. Maybe they don't even know.
Anyway, you can bet that some highly-charged e-mails will come out of this. President of Sony, look out. My tongue is a-fiery.
I guess it's just a good things I have uber-haxxor friends that have nothing better to do than figure out workarounds to this.
EDIT: I was right about the band not knowing about this whole thing. Check out this post from Tim Foreman on Switchfoot's message boards. Glad to know I can still stand proudly as a Switchfoot fan.
9.11.2005
A wagonful of pamcakes? In the champeenship?
Haven't posted for a week. Sorry. Much to report. But not tonight. Tonight, two things:
My favorite commercial right now is the one with the song that goes, "Being a dad is AWE-some." I sing along every time.
Also, my little second cousin Layla is hilarious. I went to her fourth birthday party and put together Dora's Talking Kitchen for her. That's right - a talking kitchen. Assembled by me.
Anyway, she got a cat and named it Waffle, after what she had for breakfast that morning.
Then she found a stray cat at that landfill. She brought it home and kept it. Its name?
Pancake.
My favorite commercial right now is the one with the song that goes, "Being a dad is AWE-some." I sing along every time.
Also, my little second cousin Layla is hilarious. I went to her fourth birthday party and put together Dora's Talking Kitchen for her. That's right - a talking kitchen. Assembled by me.
Anyway, she got a cat and named it Waffle, after what she had for breakfast that morning.
Then she found a stray cat at that landfill. She brought it home and kept it. Its name?
Pancake.
9.05.2005
I am 10 ninjas.
I finished the Ninja Game. Every level. Owned.
This is the proudest accomplishment of my entire life.
Now, off to Chicago to look at an apartment. Keep your fingers crossed, it sounds like a great one...
This is the proudest accomplishment of my entire life.
Now, off to Chicago to look at an apartment. Keep your fingers crossed, it sounds like a great one...
9.02.2005
Epilogue and stingers
Okay, so I made a mistake when I left Rob completely out of the Risk account. He did a lot of important stuff, like...show up late. In complete Best Buy regalia. And then play PS2 all night, while occasionally looking at the board and encouraging Jake to do something. Man, I can't believe I left that out.
Although after I left the game, we did thoroughly enjoy the many nuances of Super Monkey Ball, which is of course a video game and not a terrible euphemism. Especially great is the monkey boxing. But it's hard to steer your monkey when you're laughing your head off.
Geez...steer your monkey...I give up. It's impossible to talk about that game without sounding obscene.
Good thing though - we really don't have to worry about it anymore. Josh was trying to take the disc out of the case and BROKE IT IN HALF!! Guess all that brickmonkeying really built him up. So...no more Monkey Ball. Sad, because Monkey Bowling was really great.
Okay, so I need your help on something. I still haven't changed my sleeping habits from college, so I have some late nights, but even worse, sometimes I can't fall asleep. So what do I do when I'm lying in bed at 2 in the morning? Sometimes, I imagine I go to Hogwarts. That's what you think about when you re-read the entire Harry Potter series because you have the time. But sometimes, I write jokes.
And these are really weird, surreal messed-up jokes, and I have no idea if they're funny to anyone else besides me when I'm in my bed at 2 in the morning. So I'm going to post a few and you can tell me what you think. When you read these, think Mitch Hedberg-ian one-liners, only me, slightly ripping off this style.
Although after I left the game, we did thoroughly enjoy the many nuances of Super Monkey Ball, which is of course a video game and not a terrible euphemism. Especially great is the monkey boxing. But it's hard to steer your monkey when you're laughing your head off.
Geez...steer your monkey...I give up. It's impossible to talk about that game without sounding obscene.
Good thing though - we really don't have to worry about it anymore. Josh was trying to take the disc out of the case and BROKE IT IN HALF!! Guess all that brickmonkeying really built him up. So...no more Monkey Ball. Sad, because Monkey Bowling was really great.
Okay, so I need your help on something. I still haven't changed my sleeping habits from college, so I have some late nights, but even worse, sometimes I can't fall asleep. So what do I do when I'm lying in bed at 2 in the morning? Sometimes, I imagine I go to Hogwarts. That's what you think about when you re-read the entire Harry Potter series because you have the time. But sometimes, I write jokes.
And these are really weird, surreal messed-up jokes, and I have no idea if they're funny to anyone else besides me when I'm in my bed at 2 in the morning. So I'm going to post a few and you can tell me what you think. When you read these, think Mitch Hedberg-ian one-liners, only me, slightly ripping off this style.
- If you sustained an injury while walking, it probably wouldn’t be good advice to walk it off.
- Popes get to name themselves when they become Pope, but they all pick boring names. I'd be Pope Batman the Destructor.
- If it was really two-percent milk, the container would not be nearly as full. It would be ninety-eight percent air.
- Once I got lost in a corn maze. To a Native American, that sentence sounded like, “Once I got lost in a corn corn.”
- When in Rome, do as the Romans do: make fun of American tourists trying to fit in with the locals.
- Most people react badly when someone says, “Hey man, I’m gonna knock you into next week,” but I think that would be cool because then you would be in the future.
- I am very thankful that I have never had to say the phrase, “Oh no, my brother is trapped inside the TV.” But now I have and I can never use that joke again.
- I named my dog Armageddon, but mostly I call him Red. Especially when I have to call him home for dinner. I changed because I was spooking the neighbors.
- If you are celebrating Independence Day and you are counting on your neighbor to bring the hot dogs, you are completely missing the point.
- Do you think Heaven has a library? I bet if it does, it has every book in The Babysitter's Club series, because God seems like he values completion.
8.31.2005
Risk-y business
It was just over a week ago that I controlled the entire Western Hemisphere. My biggest rival to world domination had retreated to Great Britain, his spirit broken by my overseas offensive. My other two rivals were fighting a brutal but pointless war in the far East. I was virtually assured victory. Then it all fell apart.
I'm speaking of course, about a killer game of Risk. I relate it to you because I think there is a lesson here for us all.
Here's the situation: I do indeed control the entire Western hemisphere. The only three entry points to my territory - Brazil, Alaska, and Greenland - are heavily fortified. The only other person to control a whole continent was Jake, who claimed to only want peace for Europe, but I couldn't stand for that, so I took Iceland. After that, he said the game was over and pulled all of his troops back to Great Britain, generating three troops turn after turn and doing nothing. Josh and Scott were locked in some strange civil war over New Guinea because Josh simply cannot fathom playing Risk without building out from Australia. So I'm looking pretty good.
Then Josh and Scott form an alliance, which I say is totally bogus in games of Risk. But whatever, they did. So they start coming at me and goad me into fighting a war on three fronts and spreading my troops too thin. Meanwhile, Jake is still building up his forces, really for no reason. Every turn, he just puts three guys in Great Britain and says he's done. Eventually, he gets about 45 troops on this little territory, which essentially turns Great Britain into a police state. There's a bobby on every corner at this point - you can't get away with anything.
Here's where the tide turns - this whole time, Scott has been trying to goad Jake into attacking me. Eventually the goading becomes too much for any man to bear (plus, Scott called him fat, example ONE BILLION of Scott's mouth getting him in trouble) and he turns his enormous army, not on me, but on Scott. He uses the "push" technique, taking Scott's territories one by one, leaving one man to guard them and pushing the huge stack of pieces onward, eventually wiping Scott completely from the board. This entire time, Scott is shaking his head and saying, "I really did not see this coming." It was an amazing act of aggression from a player that had been sitting in Great Britain the entire game. I guess they ran out of tea or something.
So, to make a long story short -
Greek chorus: TOO LATE!
Shut up. So, I'm screwed by this point, so I turn my pieces over to Scott so I can go play PS2. He retreats to Madagascar for some reason - a strange move, considering he had to fight there just to retreat there. Jacob, his mission accomplished but forces depleted, succumbs to Josh's now monstrous Asian army. Eventually, there's a standoff for Madagascar, but Josh wins because he's a jerk and makes alliances. Plus, it was his board we were breaking in, so that's a 10% home-court advantage.
The lesson? Honestly, I've forgotten. It might have been something about not trusting the English or two weak enemies who team up. Or maybe it was something about how Brazilian troops get distracted by their hot women and lose battles they shouldn't. But it was most likely just the general advice of not calling Jake fat, because he'll make you regret it.
And that truly is a lesson for us all.
P.S. Did you know Ron's Patronus takes the form of a Jack Russell terrier? Isn't that adorable? A little dog yipping at evil dementors? I hope he has cause to produce one in Book 7 - I think it would be hilarious. Man, the things you learn while scouring J.K. Rowling interviews at 2 in the morning...
I'm speaking of course, about a killer game of Risk. I relate it to you because I think there is a lesson here for us all.
Here's the situation: I do indeed control the entire Western hemisphere. The only three entry points to my territory - Brazil, Alaska, and Greenland - are heavily fortified. The only other person to control a whole continent was Jake, who claimed to only want peace for Europe, but I couldn't stand for that, so I took Iceland. After that, he said the game was over and pulled all of his troops back to Great Britain, generating three troops turn after turn and doing nothing. Josh and Scott were locked in some strange civil war over New Guinea because Josh simply cannot fathom playing Risk without building out from Australia. So I'm looking pretty good.
Then Josh and Scott form an alliance, which I say is totally bogus in games of Risk. But whatever, they did. So they start coming at me and goad me into fighting a war on three fronts and spreading my troops too thin. Meanwhile, Jake is still building up his forces, really for no reason. Every turn, he just puts three guys in Great Britain and says he's done. Eventually, he gets about 45 troops on this little territory, which essentially turns Great Britain into a police state. There's a bobby on every corner at this point - you can't get away with anything.
Here's where the tide turns - this whole time, Scott has been trying to goad Jake into attacking me. Eventually the goading becomes too much for any man to bear (plus, Scott called him fat, example ONE BILLION of Scott's mouth getting him in trouble) and he turns his enormous army, not on me, but on Scott. He uses the "push" technique, taking Scott's territories one by one, leaving one man to guard them and pushing the huge stack of pieces onward, eventually wiping Scott completely from the board. This entire time, Scott is shaking his head and saying, "I really did not see this coming." It was an amazing act of aggression from a player that had been sitting in Great Britain the entire game. I guess they ran out of tea or something.
So, to make a long story short -
Greek chorus: TOO LATE!
Shut up. So, I'm screwed by this point, so I turn my pieces over to Scott so I can go play PS2. He retreats to Madagascar for some reason - a strange move, considering he had to fight there just to retreat there. Jacob, his mission accomplished but forces depleted, succumbs to Josh's now monstrous Asian army. Eventually, there's a standoff for Madagascar, but Josh wins because he's a jerk and makes alliances. Plus, it was his board we were breaking in, so that's a 10% home-court advantage.
The lesson? Honestly, I've forgotten. It might have been something about not trusting the English or two weak enemies who team up. Or maybe it was something about how Brazilian troops get distracted by their hot women and lose battles they shouldn't. But it was most likely just the general advice of not calling Jake fat, because he'll make you regret it.
And that truly is a lesson for us all.
P.S. Did you know Ron's Patronus takes the form of a Jack Russell terrier? Isn't that adorable? A little dog yipping at evil dementors? I hope he has cause to produce one in Book 7 - I think it would be hilarious. Man, the things you learn while scouring J.K. Rowling interviews at 2 in the morning...
8.30.2005
Now that's what I call POWER GAMES
Hey, go check out this site really quick. Seriously, just click on the link and look around for a second. It's not anything gross, it's just a website that sells a video game machine.
Now ask yourself this question: Would you buy anything from that website?
I mean, it's only a non-licensed product that plugs into your TV and lets you play 111 old Nintendo games, right? Nothing out of the ordinary. But let's consider the warning signs, shall we?
#1 - The fantastic page copy that begins, "Okay well you know about the Original All-In-One Classic Game System, but you don't know about this!!" and later exclaims, "Not to mention you can play actual Famicom & NES cartridge games all in wireless glory if you choose. Gaming Euphoria!" Now THAT's some good, professionally-written copy.
#2 - The actual packaging says nothing about what the product does, only that it was made in China and may have something to do with bare-chested men kickboxing what appear to be killer robots of some kind.
#3 - The system itself resembles a penguin.
#4 - One of their "glowing customer reviews" is literally from Jane Doe.
#5 - Clicking the "Contact Us" link will reveal that they operate out of a P.O. Box in Chicago. There's an e-mail address, but no phone number. Take that, authorities trying to track them down!
#6 - In their FAQ, the question "Is there a warranty on the system?" is answered as such: "Yes, when you purchase these systems directly from us you get a full staff for customer service questions and full warranty support." Ah, I see. Very detailed warranty. Very comforting.
#7 - The controller is wireless. This is awesome, but if you want to play two player, you have to plug the second controller into the first controller. Double awesome.
Additional warning signs not seen on website:
#1 - A kiosk at the Springfield mall was selling these not more than a month ago. I went back recently - the kiosk was deserted.
#2 - A sign posted in my local Game XChange read, "Ask the clerk about our special non-licensed Nintendo game players! $35!" It was not out for display - you had to ask to see it. This is literally an item being sold out of the back room.
That's a lot of warning signs.
I still bought it.
It's the shadiest thing I've ever bought.
And it's the coolest thing ever.
The menu claims that it actually is 12,000 games in one. However, a little investigation reveals that it's only the original 111 games given hundreds of other names by the crazy Chinese programmers. For example, any attempt to boot up the game Policeman and Thief results in the game Paperboy.
Also, the thing still looks like a penguin. Even worse, when you push the power button (its nose), the eyes light up and it looks like a demonic penguin is staring at you. And you can't turn it away, because then the wireless receiver doesn't read the incoming signal. But you can plug the light gun into the side of it and play Duck Hunt, which Allyn does gleefully.
Oh, did I mention I bought it as a wedding present for Josh and Allyn?
Allyn is an old-school gamer at heart and loves Super Mario Brothers more than anything, so I thought she's appreciate the chance to play it on a system that resembles a demonic penguin. (And you should see the body english that girl uses when she really needs Mario to jump far. It's amazing.)
So if there are authorities looking for the owners of these slightly shady machines, I can give you their address.
Now ask yourself this question: Would you buy anything from that website?
I mean, it's only a non-licensed product that plugs into your TV and lets you play 111 old Nintendo games, right? Nothing out of the ordinary. But let's consider the warning signs, shall we?
#1 - The fantastic page copy that begins, "Okay well you know about the Original All-In-One Classic Game System, but you don't know about this!!" and later exclaims, "Not to mention you can play actual Famicom & NES cartridge games all in wireless glory if you choose. Gaming Euphoria!" Now THAT's some good, professionally-written copy.
#2 - The actual packaging says nothing about what the product does, only that it was made in China and may have something to do with bare-chested men kickboxing what appear to be killer robots of some kind.
#3 - The system itself resembles a penguin.
#4 - One of their "glowing customer reviews" is literally from Jane Doe.
#5 - Clicking the "Contact Us" link will reveal that they operate out of a P.O. Box in Chicago. There's an e-mail address, but no phone number. Take that, authorities trying to track them down!
#6 - In their FAQ, the question "Is there a warranty on the system?" is answered as such: "Yes, when you purchase these systems directly from us you get a full staff for customer service questions and full warranty support." Ah, I see. Very detailed warranty. Very comforting.
#7 - The controller is wireless. This is awesome, but if you want to play two player, you have to plug the second controller into the first controller. Double awesome.
Additional warning signs not seen on website:
#1 - A kiosk at the Springfield mall was selling these not more than a month ago. I went back recently - the kiosk was deserted.
#2 - A sign posted in my local Game XChange read, "Ask the clerk about our special non-licensed Nintendo game players! $35!" It was not out for display - you had to ask to see it. This is literally an item being sold out of the back room.
That's a lot of warning signs.
I still bought it.
It's the shadiest thing I've ever bought.
And it's the coolest thing ever.
The menu claims that it actually is 12,000 games in one. However, a little investigation reveals that it's only the original 111 games given hundreds of other names by the crazy Chinese programmers. For example, any attempt to boot up the game Policeman and Thief results in the game Paperboy.
Also, the thing still looks like a penguin. Even worse, when you push the power button (its nose), the eyes light up and it looks like a demonic penguin is staring at you. And you can't turn it away, because then the wireless receiver doesn't read the incoming signal. But you can plug the light gun into the side of it and play Duck Hunt, which Allyn does gleefully.
Oh, did I mention I bought it as a wedding present for Josh and Allyn?
Allyn is an old-school gamer at heart and loves Super Mario Brothers more than anything, so I thought she's appreciate the chance to play it on a system that resembles a demonic penguin. (And you should see the body english that girl uses when she really needs Mario to jump far. It's amazing.)
So if there are authorities looking for the owners of these slightly shady machines, I can give you their address.
8.29.2005
Pure genius
I've decided I need to post more frequently, but a lot of times I don't get to blogging until the end of the day and by then I'm tired and want to write about certain things but don't want to give these things short shrift so I just skip it and hold off until tomorrow but then I feel bad because I didn't post anything and this vicious cycle continues until it's been almost a week and I feel like a slacker and so I just blurt everything out in one long run-on sentence BUT NOT ANYMORE!! IT ENDS TONIGHT!!
I was going through all my pictures on my computer and realized that there are plenty of gems that deserved to be shared but for one reason or another (laziness) have never been. So from now on, if I can't give you a good blog entry, I'll at least try to give you a good pick-a-ture, then attempt to make a pseudo-witty comment about it, then allow you to make truly witty and often cutting comments about it. That's how, from this point forward, we will roll. Most pictures are worth a thousand words. Mine will be worth no more than 275. I'm not greedy. So I now present to you the very first...
RANDOM PICTURE OF THE DAY:
This one is in honor of tonight's return of DICEY (way to be on the ball, The Meez). It's a pic from one of last year's rehearsals. The game was Blind Freeze and I had just taken someone's position. My brilliant initiation: "How do you like my new hand hat? It's made from my hands, and it's a hat. It's my handhat."
Honestly people, with that kind of genius, I don't understand why I'm not famous already.
I was going through all my pictures on my computer and realized that there are plenty of gems that deserved to be shared but for one reason or another (laziness) have never been. So from now on, if I can't give you a good blog entry, I'll at least try to give you a good pick-a-ture, then attempt to make a pseudo-witty comment about it, then allow you to make truly witty and often cutting comments about it. That's how, from this point forward, we will roll. Most pictures are worth a thousand words. Mine will be worth no more than 275. I'm not greedy. So I now present to you the very first...
RANDOM PICTURE OF THE DAY:
This one is in honor of tonight's return of DICEY (way to be on the ball, The Meez). It's a pic from one of last year's rehearsals. The game was Blind Freeze and I had just taken someone's position. My brilliant initiation: "How do you like my new hand hat? It's made from my hands, and it's a hat. It's my handhat."
Honestly people, with that kind of genius, I don't understand why I'm not famous already.
8.23.2005
A historic day
Hold the phone. Batten the hatches. Lock up your daughters. It has finally come to pass.
One of the Ryder brothers owns a gaming platform.
After a childhood full of anguish from not owning a Nintendo (despite many requests), a tortured adolescence spent going to friends' houses to play Goldeneye*, and a college career in which I spent more time in other people's dorm rooms than my own, just because they had Soul Caliber II**, the cycle of depravity has ended.
Apparently, getting married is AWESOME. Besides the fact that you pledge yourself to another person and all that hullaballoo, people give you a TON of cool stuff. Josh no longer goes anywhere unless he knows he's going to receive a gift at his destination. And he and Allyn now have a real fountain in their apartment that showers a cascade of Target gift cards. It's right in the middle of their kitchen. Very weird, but extremely opulent.
Josh has managed to convince everyone that matters (i.e. Allyn, Mom, himself) that basic mastery of video games is an essential skill for today's youth minister. Ergo, buying a Playstation 2 can be counted as a business expense/preparation for a career of molding the minds of youth. So he swiped a few Target gift cards from the fountain and did just that. He and I were rocking out at Lord of the Rings: Return of the King last night (He was Aragorn. I was Legolas. And we were awesome.) And Allyn was really enjoying my gift of Super Puzzle Fighter, which she inexplicably refers to as Jewel Thief. Good times.
Man, anybody want to have a fake wedding and scam some gifts***?
*Which I still suck at.
**Of which I remain the CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE.
***Scarlett Johansson, I'm looking in your direction.
One of the Ryder brothers owns a gaming platform.
After a childhood full of anguish from not owning a Nintendo (despite many requests), a tortured adolescence spent going to friends' houses to play Goldeneye*, and a college career in which I spent more time in other people's dorm rooms than my own, just because they had Soul Caliber II**, the cycle of depravity has ended.
Apparently, getting married is AWESOME. Besides the fact that you pledge yourself to another person and all that hullaballoo, people give you a TON of cool stuff. Josh no longer goes anywhere unless he knows he's going to receive a gift at his destination. And he and Allyn now have a real fountain in their apartment that showers a cascade of Target gift cards. It's right in the middle of their kitchen. Very weird, but extremely opulent.
Josh has managed to convince everyone that matters (i.e. Allyn, Mom, himself) that basic mastery of video games is an essential skill for today's youth minister. Ergo, buying a Playstation 2 can be counted as a business expense/preparation for a career of molding the minds of youth. So he swiped a few Target gift cards from the fountain and did just that. He and I were rocking out at Lord of the Rings: Return of the King last night (He was Aragorn. I was Legolas. And we were awesome.) And Allyn was really enjoying my gift of Super Puzzle Fighter, which she inexplicably refers to as Jewel Thief. Good times.
Man, anybody want to have a fake wedding and scam some gifts***?
*Which I still suck at.
**Of which I remain the CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE.
***Scarlett Johansson, I'm looking in your direction.
8.19.2005
A lighter?
I don't know what it is about my current social life that keeps putting me around kids who shout hilarious things, but it happened again tonight. I was at a cookout with Josh and Allyn with some of their friends (because most of my social life is in fact vicarious) and I was playing ladder golf with a bunch of kids.
One of these kids was a small child with a toy gun (which Josh and were never allowed to play with as kids - I cite this as the main reason why I am now so weak-willed and afraid of conflict) and he was of course firing it every which way. It was one of those toy revolvers that don't really shoot anything, but just makes clicking noises. So he's click-clicking away and all of a sudden he yells,
"WHEN I SHOOT...YOU...YOU GUYS GO!" *pause* *click*
We were already in the midst of our game, so I don't really know what he was trying to signal the start of. But it gets better. A little while later, he yells,
"LOOK OUT, I'M GONNA SHOOT THE DOG!!"
I suppose this should be alarming behavior, but he was really cute about it, so we didn't take it as a red flag. Until, not a second later, this escapes his mouth:
"SOMEONE GET ME A LIGHTER!!"
Now, as to why a lighter is necessary for the operation of the gun, your guess is as good as mine. I suppose he might have been pretending the gun was a can of hair spray and was ready to make a homemade flamethrower, but that seems like a stretch for a little kid. All I know was I was laughing so hard, I had to skip my next throw. Man, kids are hilarious.
One of these kids was a small child with a toy gun (which Josh and were never allowed to play with as kids - I cite this as the main reason why I am now so weak-willed and afraid of conflict) and he was of course firing it every which way. It was one of those toy revolvers that don't really shoot anything, but just makes clicking noises. So he's click-clicking away and all of a sudden he yells,
"WHEN I SHOOT...YOU...YOU GUYS GO!" *pause* *click*
We were already in the midst of our game, so I don't really know what he was trying to signal the start of. But it gets better. A little while later, he yells,
"LOOK OUT, I'M GONNA SHOOT THE DOG!!"
I suppose this should be alarming behavior, but he was really cute about it, so we didn't take it as a red flag. Until, not a second later, this escapes his mouth:
"SOMEONE GET ME A LIGHTER!!"
Now, as to why a lighter is necessary for the operation of the gun, your guess is as good as mine. I suppose he might have been pretending the gun was a can of hair spray and was ready to make a homemade flamethrower, but that seems like a stretch for a little kid. All I know was I was laughing so hard, I had to skip my next throw. Man, kids are hilarious.
8.17.2005
Hot and holy
Like most of you out there in InternetLand, I get a lot of junk e-mail (also known as spam, for those of you who haven't heard), especially to my old e-mail address that I've been using since I started visited Warez sites...I mean surfing the Internet.
Most of the spam I get is your general, run-of-the-mill spam. Increase the size of your package, generic drugs from God-knows-where, earn money by doing nothing, that kind of thing. But occassionally, they're on subjects that interest me.
And nothing interests me more than sexy Christian singles.
Because I like my ladies hot, but holy. Sexy, but sectarian. Bone-able, but baptized. And so when I get an e-mail (solicited or otherwise) claiming that there's a place where I can meet these sexy Christian singles on the web, I'm all ears. Especially when opening that e-mail leads to this happy surprise:
Yowza. No one said anything about sexy ASIAN Christian singles. That totally sweetens the deal. I think this lady will totally drum up a lot of business. Because if there's one thing Christians love, it's blatant displays of near-pornographic material.
I showed this a while ago to Josh and Allyn and they had these very different responses:
Allyn - "what is christian about that girl? don't advertise if it's not for sale. a motto to live by."
Josh - "That's hilarious. Her lingerie must have been blessed."
And Allyn's response to Josh's comment? It was, and I quote, "ugh."
I swear, those two are a hit reality TV show waiting to happen. Laugh a minute, they are.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some "advertising" to do.
Most of the spam I get is your general, run-of-the-mill spam. Increase the size of your package, generic drugs from God-knows-where, earn money by doing nothing, that kind of thing. But occassionally, they're on subjects that interest me.
And nothing interests me more than sexy Christian singles.
Because I like my ladies hot, but holy. Sexy, but sectarian. Bone-able, but baptized. And so when I get an e-mail (solicited or otherwise) claiming that there's a place where I can meet these sexy Christian singles on the web, I'm all ears. Especially when opening that e-mail leads to this happy surprise:
Yowza. No one said anything about sexy ASIAN Christian singles. That totally sweetens the deal. I think this lady will totally drum up a lot of business. Because if there's one thing Christians love, it's blatant displays of near-pornographic material.
I showed this a while ago to Josh and Allyn and they had these very different responses:
Allyn - "what is christian about that girl? don't advertise if it's not for sale. a motto to live by."
Josh - "That's hilarious. Her lingerie must have been blessed."
And Allyn's response to Josh's comment? It was, and I quote, "ugh."
I swear, those two are a hit reality TV show waiting to happen. Laugh a minute, they are.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some "advertising" to do.
8.15.2005
Ah, youth
You'd think that at a Springfield Muni production of "Beauty and the Beast," all the laughs would come from the show. You'd think that, but you'd be wrong. It's Hambone.
Actually, I didn't know his name. At this fateful evening, most of my hearty laughs were earned before the show by the totally adorable young lad in the seat to my right. When I got there, it was raining off and on, to the point that the outdoor show was in jeopardy. So the little boy's Grandma was fashioning a poncho for him out of a garbage bag, a la Garden State. Now picture the little ball of energy, about 5 or 6, SO excited that he gets to see dancing teacups on stage tonight. We have this exchange as a sort of introduction:
Boy: (to me) I'm wearing a garbage bag!
Me: Yeah, you are.
Boy: (to audience in general) I'M WEARING A GARBAGE BAG!! (dances around)
Hilarious. But the fun did not stop there. In response to his query as to how much time was remaining before the show started, his Grandma said there was about two minutes, so if he counted to sixty twice, the show would start. This was his obvious reaction, which Grandma really should have seen coming:
Boy: (again, to audience in general) ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN!
I think he got into the teens before Grandma got embarrassed and made him quiet down. Meanwhile, I'm shaking from laughter in the seat next to him. But he kept going. At some point he got impatient:
Boy: (to stage) C'MON, START IT!!
But my favorite thing he said all night (and his little show only took place before the curtain rose. I think he was asleep by intermission.) was this:
Boy: (to I-don't-know-who) EVERYBODY SWITCH SEATS!!
As I noted, I don't know who he was yelling at. Maybe he was just yelling at his family in the couple of seats next to him, maybe he was yelling at the entire row, maybe he meant for the entire audience to get up and switch seats with someone. I don't know. But man, how much fun would it have been if everyone had done it?
At what age do we learn to be embarrassed? Can I go back and skip it?
Actually, I didn't know his name. At this fateful evening, most of my hearty laughs were earned before the show by the totally adorable young lad in the seat to my right. When I got there, it was raining off and on, to the point that the outdoor show was in jeopardy. So the little boy's Grandma was fashioning a poncho for him out of a garbage bag, a la Garden State. Now picture the little ball of energy, about 5 or 6, SO excited that he gets to see dancing teacups on stage tonight. We have this exchange as a sort of introduction:
Boy: (to me) I'm wearing a garbage bag!
Me: Yeah, you are.
Boy: (to audience in general) I'M WEARING A GARBAGE BAG!! (dances around)
Hilarious. But the fun did not stop there. In response to his query as to how much time was remaining before the show started, his Grandma said there was about two minutes, so if he counted to sixty twice, the show would start. This was his obvious reaction, which Grandma really should have seen coming:
Boy: (again, to audience in general) ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN!
I think he got into the teens before Grandma got embarrassed and made him quiet down. Meanwhile, I'm shaking from laughter in the seat next to him. But he kept going. At some point he got impatient:
Boy: (to stage) C'MON, START IT!!
But my favorite thing he said all night (and his little show only took place before the curtain rose. I think he was asleep by intermission.) was this:
Boy: (to I-don't-know-who) EVERYBODY SWITCH SEATS!!
As I noted, I don't know who he was yelling at. Maybe he was just yelling at his family in the couple of seats next to him, maybe he was yelling at the entire row, maybe he meant for the entire audience to get up and switch seats with someone. I don't know. But man, how much fun would it have been if everyone had done it?
At what age do we learn to be embarrassed? Can I go back and skip it?
8.13.2005
Keep reading, I might do a trick
Last night while watching the Illinois State Fair Parade, I had a revelation about the continued devolution of the human race. That revelation was this:
Sometime in the future, there will come a day when the youth of America communicate solely through message T-shirts.
It's an epidemic that has already reached alarming proportions. It seems everywhere I looked, at least half of any given group of teenagers were wearing shirts with inane messages on them like, "Keep staring, I might do a trick" and "I'm with him because he requires perfection" and "Seriously, I swear I'm not an idiot."
Are these really considered clever amongst the youth of today? Are they wearing these to school and walking through the halls with huge laughter rippling in their wake? And can you even wear message T-shirts* more than once? The second time around, aren't all your classmates just like, "Hey, Ronald's wearing his camo 'Ha! Now you can't see me' shirt again. How about that." The surprise seems like it's only good once. I feel like if you need your T-shirt to say something clever and witty** for you, you need to just give it up.
Mark my words: the teenagers of the future will have no need for verbal communication. They will all be issued high-tech T-shirts upon reaching the age of 11 (teenagers are getting younger and younger). These T-shirts will have microthin LCD screens on the front and can display thousands of "witty" sayings that will be used in all forms of communication. Teens will have no need to communicate anything that isn't a prepackaged T-shirt saying.
And then Pestilence, Famine, War, and then the world ends***.
*Message T-shirts: very easy to mistype and leave out the "r," thus turning the phrase even more appropriate.
**I think it's very rare when a message T-shirt is clever and/or witty and/or even funny. However, in doing research for this post, I discovered a series of musical instrument-based message T's. And the line "Pianists Love to Tinkle" did earn an honest chuckle. What can I say, I loves me some musical puns.
***I used the footnotes bit again.
Feel free to leave your favorite/least favorite saying from a message T.
Sometime in the future, there will come a day when the youth of America communicate solely through message T-shirts.
It's an epidemic that has already reached alarming proportions. It seems everywhere I looked, at least half of any given group of teenagers were wearing shirts with inane messages on them like, "Keep staring, I might do a trick" and "I'm with him because he requires perfection" and "Seriously, I swear I'm not an idiot."
Are these really considered clever amongst the youth of today? Are they wearing these to school and walking through the halls with huge laughter rippling in their wake? And can you even wear message T-shirts* more than once? The second time around, aren't all your classmates just like, "Hey, Ronald's wearing his camo 'Ha! Now you can't see me' shirt again. How about that." The surprise seems like it's only good once. I feel like if you need your T-shirt to say something clever and witty** for you, you need to just give it up.
Mark my words: the teenagers of the future will have no need for verbal communication. They will all be issued high-tech T-shirts upon reaching the age of 11 (teenagers are getting younger and younger). These T-shirts will have microthin LCD screens on the front and can display thousands of "witty" sayings that will be used in all forms of communication. Teens will have no need to communicate anything that isn't a prepackaged T-shirt saying.
And then Pestilence, Famine, War, and then the world ends***.
*Message T-shirts: very easy to mistype and leave out the "r," thus turning the phrase even more appropriate.
**I think it's very rare when a message T-shirt is clever and/or witty and/or even funny. However, in doing research for this post, I discovered a series of musical instrument-based message T's. And the line "Pianists Love to Tinkle" did earn an honest chuckle. What can I say, I loves me some musical puns.
***I used the footnotes bit again.
Feel free to leave your favorite/least favorite saying from a message T.
8.10.2005
Sockdologizing?
As long as we're on the trivia kick, here's a bit of trivia for you: What's the deadliest punchline in history?
Answer: "you sockdologizing old man-trap."
It was during the raucous laughter that followed this line that John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln on April 14, 1865. Booth was one of the most popular stage actors of his day and although he was not in the cast of Our American Cousin that night at Ford's Theatre, he did know the play quite well and waited until the largest laugh line of the night to make his move, in hopes that the laughter would mask the sound of his gunshot.
The whole line reads as follows: ""Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal—you sockdologizing old man-trap." This line makes very little sense out of context and judging from what passed for Civil War humor, it would doubtfully make us laugh much today even if it were in context.
However, the moral remains clear: Humor, though a profound tool of joy, can also be subverted for evil means. Therefore, I shall no longer practice it.
Statler: (from balcony) I wasn't aware that he ever did! Doh-ho-ho-ho!
P.S. I went to the Lincoln Presidential Museum today. It was way cool and I learned a lot. Thank you, museum, for making learning fun.
Answer: "you sockdologizing old man-trap."
It was during the raucous laughter that followed this line that John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln on April 14, 1865. Booth was one of the most popular stage actors of his day and although he was not in the cast of Our American Cousin that night at Ford's Theatre, he did know the play quite well and waited until the largest laugh line of the night to make his move, in hopes that the laughter would mask the sound of his gunshot.
The whole line reads as follows: ""Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal—you sockdologizing old man-trap." This line makes very little sense out of context and judging from what passed for Civil War humor, it would doubtfully make us laugh much today even if it were in context.
However, the moral remains clear: Humor, though a profound tool of joy, can also be subverted for evil means. Therefore, I shall no longer practice it.
Statler: (from balcony) I wasn't aware that he ever did! Doh-ho-ho-ho!
P.S. I went to the Lincoln Presidential Museum today. It was way cool and I learned a lot. Thank you, museum, for making learning fun.
8.09.2005
My favorite trivia answer
Well, I was going to have a whole series of posts in which I relate favorite stories of the wedding, but Rob not only beat me to the punch, he picked pretty much the same exact moments I was going to talk about. But I'll scan in some pictures soon and perhaps witty comments will accompany.
With their new glut of fake commercials, Geico is cementing itself as the new Energizer bunny. And just like the bunny, at first I loved it, now I want to shoot it. Just give me a clear shot, lizard. I dare you.
But fear not, as I made a lovely discovery on this wonderful thing called the Internet today. As the title of this post alludes - my favorite piece of trivia is knowing the names of the two old Muppet dudes who sit in the balcony and make fun of stuff. Because the world can never have too much Waldorf and Statler.
With their new glut of fake commercials, Geico is cementing itself as the new Energizer bunny. And just like the bunny, at first I loved it, now I want to shoot it. Just give me a clear shot, lizard. I dare you.
But fear not, as I made a lovely discovery on this wonderful thing called the Internet today. As the title of this post alludes - my favorite piece of trivia is knowing the names of the two old Muppet dudes who sit in the balcony and make fun of stuff. Because the world can never have too much Waldorf and Statler.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
